Monday, December 30, 2013

Knowledge is Power


This is one of my favorite quotes of all time from one of my favorite books The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It was one of the first books that I have read and reread that every time I read it I gain something more from it. So sparsely written yet it has so many emotional layers buried underneath. *You can tell I love this book can't you?* It's not a happy book but it's a book written of such emotional honesty that it's changed my writing forever. 

This quote above is me and how I solve problems. It's how I function. I'm a very controlled impulsive person. While I'm quite known to call up people and say prepare a bed I'm on my way! When it comes to big life decisions or problems  I read, I learn, I ask, I take notes and I drive people crazy asking them their opinions on things.  Research, Research, and when it doesn't work reread and see where the problem came from .

So when school wasn't an option this semester due to my work schedule I decided I had made too much progress in order to fall back to the fa,t sad, and frankly depressing Blake. Learning ASL for the last six months really broke through some emotional crap for me as well as triggered my brain that I really wasn't stuck in my life. That I could continue to learn, to grow, to make mistakes and to stop being terrified of life. That's what had happened. I had stopped living my life and had switched to just existing in it. Existing in life is a scary place to be because you stop caring about what you are doing, who you are becoming and where you are going. It's comfortable at first. Like sweat pants. Then it just wears at you till you are nothing but a big blob of pain and woe which makes you SO much fun at parties. 

I'm preparing for a big change here soon. I'm working on the details right now I'm in the research phase reading, writing, and preparing what I'm going to do. I'm working on change and it's going to be glorious. Bear with me.

Oh you have no idea buts it's going to be the bee's knees! 


Friday, December 27, 2013

Go to Sleep Little Babe


This is all I have wanted to do all day. You know you are a grown up when the biggest exciting thing is not to stay up late but instead go to bed early. I've never been more excited than tonight that I have stayed up till 9. I have given it my best but I shall bid adieu to the waking world till tomorrow.  I've got my heating pad, my down comforter, my fat pajamas on who could ask for anymore.

So good night! 

Prepare yourself for the Blake-o-lution. It's coming. It's called the Blake-I-lution cause I don't know rev and it's all bout me. 

Oh bed. How I missed you! 

Excuse me but can you give us 9-10 hrs to better aquatinted? Tomorrow is the day of pre rest and I want to make sure I'm prepared.

Blake-o-lution.

It's coming.


Thursday, December 26, 2013

City Sidewalks


I'm a little to FA LA LA'd and HO HO HO'd out. 

I've stuffed myself and I can't move.

My fingers are too fat to type.

My thoughts are crystallized.

I've got tape in my hair and string wrapped around my clothes.

Wrapping paper exploding from all angles. 

I wouldn't have it any way. 

Right now. I'm grateful for right now. 

Huh Huh.

Right now. 

Happy isn't hard to be when all you need is family. 

That tomorrow I only have two days left of the billable year. 

Then no more mammos till 2014! 

WEE! Squeals this fat man. 

Fat hand clap of happiness. 

So yeah as you can tell I was really productive today. 

Sorry. 

I'm not sorry. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Joyeux Noel

Here is  me Christmas Morning.



Picking Emily up at the airport. So scary! People are nuts! However my Mini kicked scored a great spot and was in and out. Bertie for the win!



The annual Ure Children Christmas shot.




Christmas morning at Grandma Dars. It's like Christmas exploded!


Then Grandpa Vern turned into Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty. 

Then this happened. Let's just say there was enough sugar to keep me going for the afternoon. Hot chocolate, mini chocolate chips, sprinkles, peppermint marshmellos and crushed candy canes. Just a few of my favorite things!

No more sprinkle containers and Greek God yogurt Tupperware containers. It's like Santa heard my plea. Sadly no replacement for Manuela the blender. Not enough time for Santa.


Now I can be Charlie from Charlie's Angels! Jawbone speakers and Beats by Dr. Dre. Commence the deafness. 

From Sushi the cat hope you had a Merry Christmas! Let's make a pact for next year and be naughty and save Santa the trip.








Tuesday, December 24, 2013

In the Bleak Midwinter


Y'all there has been a tragic lost in the Ure household today Manuela the beloved blender was inadvertently killed by a jawbreaker candy*. As of 9:44 pm after extensive tries with epoxy and prayers Manuela succumbed to her injuries. Jorge the mixer and Pito thank you for your extensive prayers and messages during this difficult time.

*I don't even like those big things they always destroy your tongue and the candy in the center is gross. Someone gave me one for Christmas and I had in the cabinet above the blender and it rolled out and hit the blender glass and shattered it. It came in like a wrecking ball... it may have wrecked my walls...now I'll have no way to blend at all. Look what thou has brought upon us Miley Cyrus.* 

Other than that I hope you all have a great holiday! 

I'm off to go make out with my pillow and pray that Santa brings me some relief to my good friend Mr. Visa. Cause I apparently have a hole in my kitchen appliance family. 

Manuela the blender was purchased in Sept 2005 she has lived in Merrill hall, the Apartments that shan't be mentioned, Reeder Hall, Evergreen Terrace, Astach Hall, back to Evergreen Terrace, Astach again, the bungalow, to the current swanky B pad. She has blended many festive occasions as RA vacation party, every morning with my morning shake, and had a dangerous flirty adventure making salsa. She will be missed. Donations may be made to the Manuela blender memorial fund attention Blake. Contact me for information. 

Have a safe fun holiday and may Santa bring you lots of Fat pants to make you happy! 

XO

Blake 




Children Go Where I Send Thee


This is my version of interptative dance.

It all started because I just needed a simple black frame. I got creative and made a simple print for a gift. So I went to where I buy all my frames that I need to look classy but cheap (I think I just found another way to describe myself.) IKEALAND! I call it IKEALAND for one reason alone you get lost amongst the pretty displays and then end up in the gift shop. Just like Disneyland! Except for grow ups and instead of cool toys you get furniture, and have the huge potential to get lost amongst housewares and lighting. 

I was going in with a plan. I memorized where I was going to go. I was a dedicated single warrior alone on a Friday night looking for that one frame to complete me. What nobody told me was that apparently Friday nights is Hipster Mormon family night at IKEALAND Draper. I've never seen so many beanies, skinny pants on men, greased up hair and glasses with no lenses. So much facial hair. It was like Portlandia but without the cleaver sayings and a lot more kids in reusable diapers. To be fair they may not have all been Mormon but Draper is just a hop skip and a jump away from Provo the land of minivans and righteousness. * I live in Ogden. The dark land up north. Where I carry my shank knife named kindness (thanks Anjelah Johnston for that joke)*

Anyway I dodged the discussions over the white plate veruses the beige plate and screaming child meltdowns in glass wares. Such volume. I grabbed and like a desperate weary warrior I searched for my ending in which I was rewarded with 30% off and a cinnamon roll. * Hello undeserved carbs!* 

It was when I was pulling into my parking spot an hour later when I realized I had bought the wrong size. No worries I thought. I'll just go down and exchange it. Hah. So a week went past and I began my annual trek of sharing my fat goodness through out the land. I had endured a painful session of Fat rehab and driving in a Mini Convertible in the dark on the interstate in the land of Surban Mommy Assault vehicles (aka the Surban or the Honda Odyssey) into the scary congested heartland sent cold chills down my spine. Yet it is Christmas Eve Eve and I don't have a choice. 

I came prepared in my cool hipster clothes. Okay not really more like my I've been wearing this for 13 hours I'm tired and I haven't ironed cause I'm lazy clothes. So I go in. No line at returns! Woo! Fancy furniture in which to sit even better. Then I realized it was like the DMV you had to get a number (keep in mind I'm the only person) so I do it. I stand there waiting and waiting till I smell cinnamon rolls and coffee apparently the guy behind me had been to this Rodeo before. I realized I was going to have to flirt like my life depended on it to get a return *see broke and forgot receipt* which surprisingly went well.  Again I went into the jungle of the relationship destruction. *Forget marriage consueling if you and your fiancĂ© can navigate IKEALAND together and not go into full arguement melt down you deserve to marry each other. They should just call it you are going to yell at each other and argue over couch styles and yes you should say your sorry for not liking Puce land*

I grabbed the wrong size again. See previous paragraph with more annoyed cashier. Finally left IKEALAND a older more wise person as I drove away I realized I could have done all of this a lot cheaper if I had gone to Tar-Jay. D'ho! 

Horrors. So many horrors. Will somebody hold me?


Sunday, December 22, 2013

God Rest You Merry Gentlemen


(This is an older post that I finally finished)

I'm not the most masculine man you will ever meet. I smell nice, I know how to match colors and I read People magazine. Oh. I also run the Mammography front desk. Yes. That's right I'm quite popular with women ages forty and beyond. To be fair I didn't know it was mammography when I interviewed for the job in fact my answer to the job offer was You know I was the man that was in the interview right? Oh you did? Oh and you are still offering my the job? Really? Okay well fine I start Wen?

So needless to say it's always awkward when somebody asks what I do for a living. I always feel like a stripper. I'm not ashamed of what I do. In fact it's a great job and to put it bluntly it pays my bills. However there is no easy way to slip it into a conversation. Like a stripper I'm really good with the vague answer. I've been there for the last three years so its not really a surprise to people anymore cause most people know. 

Till last Sunday. 

In the LDS church they like to know about you. If you are stranger get prepared to be asked questions about where you are from, why you are there etc. They aren't meant to be mean most people just want to genuinely want to know more about you. In one of the meetings (the Elder's quorum) with just the men I was the new guy. The fresh meat. Which is fine I'm not embarrassed to talk about myself. I've become a pro. State your age, where you live, are your visiting or not, and then I close with a statement that I'm graduated and a vague answer of where I'm  working. Sweet to the point and on with the lesson right? 

Wrong. 

Oh so wrong. 

So I wooshed through my usual spiel and I was getting ready to sit down when I hear "So tell us what you do" Oh dear. Really? I could see the desperation of the teacher's face. Obviously homie fell asleep watching Sport's Center and prepared his lesson ten minutes before church. I wasn't going to lie. I'm not ashamed. So caught I said quite simply. Oh I'm the front desk person for the Mammography department. Then homie is like what is that? 

Really? 

Really? 

During this month of Breast Cancer awareness you have no idea what a mammogram is? Well this is taking it to a new level of awkward. So I explained. Very briefly and using medical words. You would have thought I had wheeled out my stripper pole and dimmed the lights and said Woo! Free show for everyone!  

*I'm really sorry for the stripper analogy but it's the only thing I could think of that awkwardness I felt. * 

This was a room  of very fit, very masculine men, and here I was the fat kid who works in mammography. I was like Nemo. I just wanted to go home. Don't worry there's more. So after feeling super awkward and large I was finally asked the teacher when we were going to start talking about Jesus? Cause if we weren't I was going to to into random babbling stage and that's just dangerous where my brain shuts off and my mouth just keeps on talking and then my mouth gets mad at my brain and it takes forever for them to make up cause nobody likes to get their awkwardness rubbed in their faces. 

Then before I could stop myself I was like who wants a brochure? I had them in my scripture bag cause I needed one as a bookmark the other day. Surprisingly nobody took me on it.   Oh well no save the TA TA's stickers for you. Then I sat down and looked at the carpet for the rest of the class. 

So needless to say I think I won Best job award. I just don't know why nobody wouldn't look at me in the eye. Oh well. 

We don't ask people what they do anymore in Elder's Quorum. I'd like to think it was because of me. What can I say? I'm a trail blazer. 


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Happy Hoildays

Happy Holidays. 

This is the grandparent's house. This is what I think of when I think of Christmas. Lots of snow and the lights strung up around the door. As we slowly trickle into town the door is open as we all trundle in to cheers to HELLO! Its great that magic moment when you come into the door and get a that overwhelming sense of family and everybody is happy to see you. 

I kinda need it. 

After you know the whole father rushed to the hospital,  crazy final,  the angry ladies at Mammoland, Duck Dynasty exploding my news feed and the sudden need to send lots of congratulation cards to people its been to put it bluntly a week.  Oh and don't forget to add bankruptcy to that list too. 

So much fun. 

My Dad is doing okay they decided after extensive evaluation to send him home which is awesome! He's sore and tired but I'd rather have that then the alternative. Sad news as well this year I still qualify to be Santa in the Christmas pageant Hunter still has to play Baby Jesus for one more year. So there's that. 

Things are calming down. I have moved in my bed for the next few months till spring comes out and I'll be willing and raring to go. Let's just say today's biggest accomplishment was feeding myself and taking a shower. WOO! As of right now I have some ornaments baking, some wrapping, and some Christmas stories to catch up on. A Charlie Brown Christmas I'm looking at you. It's my favorite. 

So thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts through the last few days. They were much appreciated and felt. Now I'm going to go off and put on my footie pajamas pop some popcorn and enjoy my isolation. Feel free to join me virtually or if you want to use your sled dogs and come here that's fine too. I'm not leaving till spring or when I run out of food whatever comes first. 



   


Thursday, December 19, 2013

I Brought You Violets for Your Furs



The other day I was bored at work and I thought you know what I need? I need to see flowers. I need to see color. I need something that makes me go yes! Utah gets this nasty awful thing called inversion which blocks in the cold nasty smoggy air and it blocks the sun creating a hellish frozen environment which sits and stays till another storm comes cleans us out for about a day and then bam! It happens all over again. It can drive a person crazy and to drink I tell you. 

So I was sitting there and thought you know what? I'll send my mother flowers. Cause sending them to myself would just be awkward. So who are these flowers from? Oh they came from me cause I deserve it. If that doesn't spark crazy isolated behavior I don't know what else would and besides my apartment is north facing so those poor suckers would freeze to death (it's a toasty 60 degrees here) and I couldn't have that.  

I sent  her flowers and it was wonderful. She has these great big windows that let the light in the kitchen  plus she deserves them. So I called the florist and said I want spring. No babies  breath and not a lot of roses I want flowers that look as if you picked them outside. I think they did a great job.

Cause sometimes you need some color amongst the dreay. Plus why not?

Did I mention how I hate December? I do. I love Christmas I love the idea of giving of sharing and I love the sense of family. Yet I don't get the best news in December people get sick, events happen that change your life, and it always happens within these last two weeks. A bit of news my Dad was admitted to the hospital for blood clots. He's in good spirits and goes in for surgery tomorrow. So please send some extra karma some good energy some prayers on his behalf. I'd be ever so grateful. 

So I will think of these flowers and I will think of spring and I will think this will be a distant memory. In my dreams I will smell the freshness of the grass I will look at the mountains and see them in a bloom in new life. Also I'll think of warmth too. 

Yes I will do that. 

 


What Are You Doing New Years Eve?



This is my new fridge magnet for New Years resolutions. Feel free to make one for yourself.

Cause nothing stops you from shoveling food in your mouth than judgemental hipster Blake. 

Right now it is snowing on top of black ice and Im stuck at the Drs office to get my face zapped. Nothing says Merry Christmas like bleeding sores! I'd post pictures but that would be awkward for the both of us. Afterwards I plan on going home getting into my bed and embracing my good friend mr Nightquill cause nothing says you've done too much with no sleep than sounding like a eighty year smoker named Delores. 

I am having a good moment today. All of my presents are arriving, some are wrapped my house is no longer a FEMA site and Christmas Vaction is on Netflix. I'm going into full on hermit status and to tell you the truth I'm okay with it. I need it. 

It's been a hard week. Nothing overtly emotional or traumatic just pushing myself too hard with no recovery doesn't make for a fun Blake. So feel free to use said picture above for a magnet. 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Coming to America


"Honey you're a sweet thing and you look so fine...."- I know. Thanks. 

Today was a hard day. You know your day is going to be a barrel of fun when you wake up sounding like a 80 year old smoker named Delores. Normally I say I sound like a phone sex operator named Rhonda but frankly that takes work and I was too tired for it. 

Finals, Christmas, Saving the world one Mammogram at a time is taxing on a person. I mean I'm good at it but still I mean even Superman gets tired. So after having one of those days where you throw your hands up in the air and look up at the ceiling in all seriousness and go look I'm sorry for all the things I've done through ages 14-21 but really haven't I served my time? 

So at 8:30 pm tonight I was introduced to one of America's Treasures. I mean I can't believe I have never seen such a cinematic classic before. Truly.  Neil Diamond in the cinematic wonder that is JAZZ SINGER. Watching Neil in all of his late 70's glory I realized that my life had been missing such an important element of man's search of meaning in a world of excess and reemerging as singer of traveling means. Laurence Oliver looking like a fish? Oh such power. 

It also helped that Mama Joye knew all the words and had the hand motions that go with it. So now I know what to put on the television for my mother when she loses her memory. I mean I get it. Seeing Neil in sequins and some strong Farrah Hair and pretty awesome facial hair it all made sense to me why Neil Diamond's Christmas album holds disc spot number one at the Mama's house. That and Willie Nelson of course (his rendition of the Fa La La chorus will change you). 

So what had been an exhausting and weary day held a moment of lightness in it in the form of Neil Diamond's glittery shirt. Sometimes we just have to say Hello my Friend hello. So the reason for this wonderful picture above? I'm just providing you with some Hipster Blake flavor. 

Your welcome. 








Monday, December 16, 2013

Swinging and Making Merry like Christmas


I know. 

I promised you an IKEA hellish experience but it's just having a hard time coming out. Apparently I've still got to work through my emotional trauma. Bare with me. It was very traumatic and I'm doing my best to not upset Festus.

  December I think is a hard time for everyone. We so desperately want to give and receive happiness to those we care about. It's as if for these four weeks we are suppose to be cheerful, gay, happy caroling through the snow cause Christmas bells are ringing. I had my Christmas overkill on Friday. I had enough of it. Enough of the singing, enough of the cookies enough of the red and green, enough of the bankruptcy and enough of the blowup animals in people's yards. One day I will get a lot of money buy a menagerie of blow up animals and get a nice pair of lawn shears and attack all of them. Take that Santa in the HUMBUG exterminator truck! Watch out frolicking penguins I'm coming for you.Oh you blow up snow-globe with the fake snow you going down!  

Wow. That was dark. Apparently I've got some nylon blow up animals issues.

Anyway let's get back to sappy issue that I was coming around to. Like I said I was done. 

Till I walked out of parent's front door and this is what greeted me. I just stood there after I took my Instagram picture I thought of something. I just thought you know what? I don't care if everything doesn't get done on my Christmas to-do list. I don't care if my presents are all wrapped perfect or if a string of lights are broken. Staring at Malan's Peak decked out in it's winter finery I thought for the last 160 years my family has stood and seen this mountain change through the seasons.  Through great Christmases or not so good ones. They have gotten through it and so will I. Cause we do all of this out of love. Not out obligation or duty but because we love each other.

With the moon up and the mountain there I realized there was no other place I would rather be than in that moment enjoying the beauty presented before me. It was as if nature was like okay you've seen some good shots but watch this! HA! Watch what I can do! 

So there's that. 

Oh and if anybody wants to donate to the destroy the inflated  lawn animal  fund I'll let you join me. 


Sunday, December 15, 2013

And I was like Baby Baby Baby


How you doing? 

This is me as Renaldo my stripper cleaner alter ego. He's a available to strip and clean your house for you very low rates. Actually no. Sorry for the brief delay I decided I had to get this nasty holiday called Christmas taken care of. So I have spent the last four days wrapping, shopping, dropping off, and finally today I purged my house of all unnecessary crap that had accumulated over the last four months. See when I was in the middle of the dark time I couldn't do more than go to work and barely function. It wasn't fun. I was depressed and tired. Which meant I dropped all my stuff all over the place. So after taking care of all the Christmas madness (everything is ordered, wrapped or has already been given) I woke up this morning and declared war. 

The kind where you open every cabinet, every drawer and if I haven't used it,touched it, or stared it it was going. See last night we had a little a little pipe burst that ruined a lot of my stuff in my storage unit. Not too sad all the important stuff was in my huge Tupperware boxes  but a lot of moving boxes got wrecked. oh well. It was time to get rid of all my old RA bulletin boards why I saved them I don't know. Anyway after dealing with that madness I was in full cleanup mode and I had to use it while I had the cleaning magic and clean I did. I dusted, I waxed, I vacuumed, I  hung up new pictures, I returned stuff and it was glorious. Now I am sitting here exhausted, tired, cranky and in strong desire for In and Out. I want fries! I want a dirty coke! I want a freaking hamburger. Alas its Sunday. So my double double chocolate protein bar will have to do. 

I know it was it was naughty to take a holiday from church but Jesus taught that a house in disorder leads to chaos and with the holiday fast approaching and finals I needed order in my life or else I was going to slip back into bad habits and with the availability of all things  chocolate and cookies I have the potential to make Festus grow into twins and the stretch marks I already have are killing me. 

My poor neighbors got an earful of such great songs as Holiday-Madonna, Killing Me Softly- The Fugees, Royals- Lorde (Call me King B!), and ROAR! I had the eye of the tiger indeed. Oh don't forget PAPA don't PREACH! Did I mention when I was cleaning I was singing these at the top of my lungs? Oh I didn't? Whoops. Lets just say there is a strong reason why the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has never called me back. Mainly I sound like a fat cat in heat. 

So this is where I'm going to leave you till tomorrow when I describe the joy of going to IKEA on a Friday night. Let's just say HIPSTER MORMON HELL. 

But more on that later. 

Renaldo is available. He's taking orders. He shows up in a mask and toilet bowl brush. French maid outfit extra. 




Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Woo.


I know I know I'm beating a dead horse but I couldn't resist. Today was one of those days in which I sprung from my bed in a un holy manner proclaiming words that would make his mother stammer. It's Tuesday and it's tacky and I hate it is more what I thought. 

Feeling more ba humbug than deck the halls at the moment. Hence the brevity of this post. I'm feeling a bit peckish since my computer has decided that after five years it was done. Not kinda done but as in Ha! I hate you and I will stop working done. Praise The Lord for various technology. 

So forgive me but writing on a I-pad is quite modern i haven't found that writers grove yet. 

The curse of Karen Carptner apparently. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Merry Christmas Darling


John Travolta eat your heart out. For I am now the new bubble boy. What you see before you is four layers of heavy duty Saran Wrap designed to keep out the bitter cold and keep me from working the street corner in winter. Cause this fat thing is what you want to see in Lycra and fishnets. And if anybody wants to stand and freeze on my deck I will be more than willing to recreate the immortal scene in The Bubble Boy where John Travolta gets his first kiss. 

I've long complained about the piano in the Lobby where I work. How loud it is etc. This week hit and all time low when The Carptners tribute trio came to sing. You have to understand I am not a Christmas music snob. I owned the Greatest Brady Bunch Christmas cassette that's how low my standards are. Yet if there are two Christmas songs that drives me absolutely stark raving mad is Christmas shoes ( I wanna buy these shoes for my dying mama. Sappy and it plays on too many emotions plus when the kids choir starts singing? I toss my cookies) and one other song Merry Christmas darling...happy new year too....I'll throw a log on the fire it fuels my desire... and she's singing that with her brother? Um awkward! This morning on the Christmas music station that's the song I woke up with. Then the tribute band came in. 

Three times. They sang that song three times. I thought that type of torture was banned by the Geneva  Convention? So many questions. Who starts a Carptners Tribute band? Plus then to make the day ever so much better turn on the car radio and on FM 100.3 there she is again. Singing her little heart out. 

I now have nightmares. 

So hence the Saran Wrap. I've gone into hiding. 

Send help and Sprinkles.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Gratitude


Every Christmas since my Mom had cancer (read about it here and here I personally try to find something that reminds me of what the power of kindness and strength can do for others. I'm not a big oh! Watch this! Do this share kind of video person. So you don't have to worry that I will send you email links of kittens sneezing.

So when I get pulled down by all the consumerism and stress there is always a story of someone or something that make me go so this is what it's all about. I don't know the Parker family personally but we do share something in common we come from the same hometown and that makes them friends of friends. It makes it more powerful.

I don't celebrate loss. I celebrate stories of goodness and strength. I celebrate people who teach me so much every year. I celebrate life.

I celebrate love.





Thursday, December 5, 2013

Roar


"These are the only pants that fit me right now"- Regnia George. 

Three months ago I blew the crotch out of my last pair of fat jeans. They had given up the battle and I don't blame them. Yet it left me in a bind. I was close to tipping the scales at 300 pounds.No really I was 280 pounds three more Talenti Gelato and I was gonna end up shopping at Ron's Big and Tall store emphasis on the big not so much on tall. Worse moment of my life.

So it was that moment that I decided I wanted to live. So what was I going to do? I wasn't going to buy new jeans to reward myself for reaching that size. One does not reward bad behavior. So my mom bought me a pair of jeans at Costco ( I heart you) and I said thank you. No really. They a size forty. You could use the material to make yourself a nice blanket, a dress, or if you were adventurous you could use them to reupholster a chair. 

As I work hard as I watch what I eat and say goodbye to old friends its nice to feel these pants get bigger and bigger around me. I know I look terrible yet on one hand I always wanted a pair of those huge baggy pants that were so popular in the late 90's. I feel like Alice getting smaller and smaller with each bite I eat and each time I move my body. 

It's nice to use material as a shield against the world as I work through this great moment in my life. No really cause this time the lesson stuck. Plus it's nice as I hover between this land of extreme fat pants to just regular fat pants. 

So in this moment I just want to say to all the pants that have lost their life in this epic battle of my life I want to ask you to give them a moment of silence. 

Old Navy Grey Pants 2009-2013
Gap Cargo Pants 2012-2013
Banana Republic Pants 2008-2012 
Levis 2010-2013
Black North Face Athletic Pants 2008-2013


I'll never forget you. 



Shaking it Like a Black Girl Up in Harlem


Happy Double Stamp Day! I don't watch Family Guy but I saw this on Pinterest and it describes me at work perfectly with my work BFF's. 

I love Wednesday  for three reasons first it's double stamps at the coffee cart. Get 10 stamps on your card and get a free one! WHOO! Mocha Chiller you be mine for free! I limit myself to one a week on Wen and I get double stamps! So to celebrate this I've declared every Wen. Double Stamp day. It's a weekly holiday! I don't like the sound of the word hump. It brings me back to 2007 when a certain song was played over and over again "My Humps! My Humps! My lovely Lady Lumps..." which was fine till you started seeing rather large people (who are bigger than me) sing it and then you go no no dear. You don't have humps. You have mountains. Oh Fergie for a brief moment we believed and wondered why you had such fascination with London Bridge. 

Reason number two: It's one day closer to my day off! So I know in less than 24 hours I will be free! Free! Free to sleep! Wear sweats! Catch up on my stories. Lay there in my bed's warm embrace and not feel obligated to do anything else but enjoy it's warmth. Plus it means it's just one more day till Friday and then off to the best forty eight hours ever. The weekend! 


Reason number three: Did I mention it was double stamp day? Okay you don't know how excited I get. I was sick one Wen. I got a text from my BFF barista  Julie and almost all my co-workers to let me know that I was missing double stamp day and hoping I feeling better. I felt so popular. 

Today was really bad. I woke up this morning at four (no I wasn't THAT excited. It's double stamp day not CHRISTMAS!)  and did some glorious ESTY shopping. Why was I born brilliantly witty but so damn broke?  So I window shopped till my alarm went off. I must apologize to my smoking neighbors below me.* insert rant here I can't win! Fan or cigarette smoke. Can't I just get a quiet tortured poet girl to live below me and hear her cry over Grey's? Heck. I'd be the nice neighbor that brought down his new friends Talenti Gelato and said here we both need this and share a box of Kleenex? Is that too much to ask for? **Rant over. any way Beyonce got me out of bed singing Get Bodied. Let's just say I didn't hit snooze or turn it off. to refresh click here here. Don't worry I'll wait. 

Okay so after my shower was like I want your body (like I was going to ignore that) I got ready for work. Since I'm training the mini me I was sitting at my desk bored. So I decided that the best way to learn was to figure it out for herself I had a great 30 second party in the hidden office behind the MAMMO desk.  Then I actually did all the nasty work that I've been putting off.  

Then I got in the car. 

Guess what was playing...

CHILDREN GO WHERE I'LL SEND THEE....oh look another song...

Needless to say it's 12:30 am on Thursday and I'm singing CHILDREN GO WHERE I SEND THEE! Trying to figure out where in the world they were sent! 

I'm gonna see four by four...and one for the itty bitty baby...

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Stompa


I woke up with a bit of rage in my heart. 

For the third morning in a row my i-pod has played song of death to me to get me out of bed. I was once in love with this song. In the warm summer months I would drop the top on Bertie and do the whole head bob oh I'm so cool dance in my car seat dance (aka I looked like I was having a seizure) and I would turn it up when ever it came on.

Till this morning. 


"When you are ready come and get it...When you are ready come and get it when you ready....nanannananan"  So all day when I was checking in PT's the tech would come grab a patient in my head I'd go When you readdyyyy till that moment it slipped out of my mouth. 

I said it out loud. 

Whoops. Well that made someone's day I hope. 

You know what else is embarrassing? Singing it at the top of you lungs while you sit in the parking lot trying to convince yourself that you are a strong confident person and everybody is going to be nice to you! NANANNAANANa COME AND GET IT! 

See. 

Such anger Selena. Look what thou hast created. 

I hope you are happy. 

Come and get it. 

Indeed.  


Monday, December 2, 2013

I Came in like a Freaking Wrecking Ball


I think I have a problem. This evening when I was being domestic making dinner I was putting things away in the tupperware containers when I came to the sad realization. That all my containers were the Cake Make Rainbow Sprinkles variety. 

Oh boy. 

I love my sprinkles. I love them in my ice cream. In my yogurt and when I was on a serious food bender I would make the cotton candy cake mix from Betty Crocker and throw in the sprinkles and eat the dough. Dinner of champions. 

However my favorite way to have them is to buy a container of Greek God's Honey Yogurt and mix equal parts sprinkles and mini chocolate chips in it's heavenly creamy goodness. Oh sweet charity. 

As I stood there in the kitchen I thought of those hot summer nights hidden in my den watching hours upon hours of Netflix and eating container after container of yogurt and sprinkles. When I would finish a container I would sneak out and buy more. I had to have it. It was what I lived for. 

Driving to the store with the roof down and realizing that I was so lost that I didn't have a way out. The yogurt didn't judge. The sprinkles added colors to the dull grey that had become my life. Eventually you become so numb to every feeling but the desire to fill the hole inside yourself.  

Give me sprinkles or give me death was my motto. I would actually get giddy when the damn things were on sale 2 for four dollars! Buy them all! I traveled with them in my luggage the secret security. That my magic sprinkles could take me away. Take me to some where better. In stead of the harsh reality that I was in. 

Then one day I walked into my trusty Smith Food King and they were sold out. Gone. Zilch. No more sprinkles. If you ever want to see a fat grown  man cry take away his drug. I stood there in dumb shock that they were gone and I realized in that moment that I had a problem. That my sprinkles had turned me into a freaking wrecking ball shape. My carpet hid little remains of smashed colored wax my chairs had them on the seats of the chairs.  So I quit cold turkey. Walked out of the store drying my eyes. I was like Scarlett O Hara I was never going to have sprinkles again. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is my name is Blake and for a brief moment I had a glorious affair with Cake Make Rainbow Sprinkles. It's been 30 days and I'm finally sprinkles free. 

Every day is a constant battle. I want to slip back in my old habits. Yet I know if I do the Sprinkles win. 

I wish I knew how to quit you Sprinkles. 



Sunday, December 1, 2013

Here Comes Santa

Fa-la-la
I decorated. By decorated I mean I got out my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and my Christmas star and called it good. See this is the month in which I will live in three places. Work, School, and my bed. I will wear my Santa footie pajamas but that's as far as I usually get. Christmas is usually the time of year I fall apart. I bring on too much like cookies, pies, cakes, oh and who could forget my favorite ice cream PEPPERMINT BARK (Talenti Gelato I heart you call me k?) and my pants explode, my self esteem crashes, and my VISA screams for mercy. 

This year I'm taking on a different approach. I'm going ZEN. I'm going to the dark place known as Oprah land. See if you have ever listened to the prophet Oprah she talks about to listen to your inner voice and what it wants. Since my inner voice has been stuck on one voice screaming FEED ME! FEED ME! EAT ALL THE FEELINGS! MY NAME IS BLAKE AND I'M EMOTIONAL AND I NEED FOOD! SUGARY SWEET DELICIOUS FOOD!  Which is fine for the first little bit till the crotch of  your pants explode and you have to go home early from work cause you are now indecently exposing yourself.   Come for a mammogram and a strip show! Two for one special! Which call me crazy is not the atmosphere my boss is going for. 

So I've been working on rehabilitating  myself. I  decided this time I'm going to say no to the non essential things and stressful situations. I have eaten enough of my feelings to know that if I eat anything more I'm slowly killing myself. Committing suicide with every pint of ice cream, each candy bar, each time I sit there on the couch trying to eat away all the negative pain creating a nice fat shield to the world. I'm a obese person who was destroying my self  worth with each bite. And it had to end. 

It had to end. 

Cause there is new life coming, there are amazing people in my life, and there are wonderful people I haven't met yet. I've ran marathons, I've ran half marathons but I couldn't stop choosing to be miserable about myself. I looked into the mirror and realized that I had stretched myself physically to every limit. My face had no shape, my dimples were swallowed by fat, and my shirts were stretched so tight they looked tube tops  threatening to bust off and hit somebody in the eye and through it all I hated myself. I turned every negative comment ever statement about my weight. Someone complaining about the parking lot? It's because I'm fat isn't it! Look I didn't say it was rational. I compared myself to impossible models. Here's my sister the Ironman and her brother the incredible fat man! Watch your children parents cause he just might eat them! 

On the darkest day I lay there on the ground praying. Praying for an answer, praying for help, praying for absolution.  There was no shining light. There was no heavenly being. Just my voice in a calm whisper that said be honest. Be brutally honest. So I started talking. I talked to my bishop, I talked to my therapist, I talked to my Doctor, I talked to my parents, I talked to my friends, I talked to my co workers about my struggle. Till my friend Stacy pulled me aside and said I've been there. This is what I did and this who I went to and what I did. Side note on Stacy she looks amazing like somebody lit her from the inside. She literally has lit up!

I'm not going to say exactly what I'm doing just yet cause it's embarrassing and painful but it's healthy and I feel more like myself than I have felt in a very very very long time. Hence the return to the blog. 

So bare with me. If' I'm being boring please let me know. Let me know what you want me to talk about! Let's start a conversation! Facebook me! Text me! Leave a comment. Instagram me  (bfarru8422 is my username. 

Here's the cheesy sentimential gooey part. 

I warned you. 

Turn back if this disgust you. 

If you are feeling this way and abusing food I just want you to know you are not alone. It sucks. It doesn't get easier but it gets better if you ask for help. Help is always around you just have to ask for it. Don't be afraid to try.  I'm here if you need me. 

XOXO 

B   


Saturday, November 30, 2013

I'll Sail My Ship Alone


Is there nothing better than a great pair of sweat pants? They don't judge they expand with you and most importantly they keep you warm! Plus the rattier they are the more comfortable they are. Today I was suppose to be productive! I have laundry, cleaning, shopping, and decorating to do. Yeah none of those things happened. Now don't get me wrong this morning I woke up wrote for an hour made breakfast went for a hike came home got my laundry together and then well my mom and grandma took me to lunch. How does one say no to free food? I don't! Festus needs to eat!

Afterwards my couch was like hey there cowboy and before I knew it I was wrapped up in a comforter watching one of my favorite movies of all time. Bed knobs and Broomsticks! You thought I was going to say Pete's Dragon didn't you? There may or may not have been a nap involved the details are a bit hazy. Anyway I then started reading my book. It's been so long since I've had the freedom to just read a book and not feel guilty. Then I felt a little productive and found my ugg slippers that were hiding underneath the bed (best present ever Elm!) and then there were really strange noises coming from the hallway so I decided to block the door with a chair and stay in. At the moment my apartment is so messy that if somebody doesn't have the secret map memorized they are gonna get attacked by laundry, running shoes, and Christmas decorations. 

Yeah it's that bad. 

So everything gets pushed to tomorrow. I hope. Other wise somebody better call Hoarders or send the Merry Maids. I'd prefer the merry maids. Hint hint! 

So that was my super Saturday hope yours was just as adventerous!



It's Not Easy


Just a little note,

This is one of my favorite songs.

The other day I was sitting at lunch with my co-workers and they were kibitzing about their husbands about the various things they were unhappy with. Since all I have in my life at the moment is a a mixer in love with the toaster the love life of Blake has been rather dry at the moment, no wait a moment there's Festus now so things are looking up.

Anyway...as I sat there listening to these complaints and I thought you know it's not easy to be married to someone different but it's not easy to find some one who cares but oh how nice it must be sometimes. Thanksgiving afternoon,  I was sitting there in my Grandma Dar's Kitchen sitting with my Grandma who was dozing on my shoulder and I thought this is what life is about having someone who don't always have to have a conversation with but you can hold their hand and I sat there seeing what the love of my Grandparents created. A family they together worked as a team and they argued and agreed with each other and it wasn't easy to share someone's else dream but as my Grandma slept it made sense for me what we are really here for.  Not to have material possessions but to just have someone by your side . Someone who cares for you and say those magic words I'm sorry. I get it now. It's not easy.

Yet it's a lot easier when you have someone at your side.


So yes it might not be easy but oh how lucky people are to have someone at that level. So do me a favor at the start of this Christmas Season treasure your relationships with your family, your friends, and if you are married take a moment to just say thanks. Thank them for being in your life. It's so easy to do. Thank them when things get hard. Thank them for making things easier. Thank them for being in your life. As the stress mounts this season just remember it's not easy to find some one who cares.


So say it. Say thanks.

You'll find its Easy.

Thanks.

B

Thursday, November 28, 2013

You Don't Know the Half of it Blues

I hope you had a great holiday yesterday. I think my fat pants exploded. I'm so grateful for my Aunt Pam, my mom, my Aunt Jill and my Aunt Gail (who did a very nice job on the table)  for making it a wonderful thanksgiving! So in the spirit of things lets me get to some exciting news shall we?

I have some very exciting news! I've been sitting on this for a while but it's come to the point that I have to share with you all.

I'm pregnant.


With a food baby. 

Named Festus. I named him Festus because there were so many festive and not so festive occasions that created him.  He's due in March. So I just wanted to share him with y'all.

Please be kind he's very sensitive and I'm working on getting ready to release him in the world.




Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Angels We Have Heard on High



Why yes I am thanks for asking. Being a grown up sucks. You get fat, your hair falls out, and you have all these things that are demanding that you pay them like bills. So rude. I want a refund. Or at least the freedom to have a thirty second dance party at my desk and not hear a mammo princess go "Oh Agnes look at that boy truffle shuffle!" 

This is the season in which we are suppose to be grateful and more forgiving to each other and love each other yet when your hand is shoved up a turkey's hind quarters yanking out guts and gizzards your ability to love mankind gets severely tested.  However yesterday when I went to Costco I became the most popular person ever! Walking around waiting for my prescription to be filled it seemed as if a spot light had been turned on me! Everyone wanted to know where certain items were. Since I consider myself Costco literate one would be stretching the truth if they called me a Costco expert. That belongs to those who drive mini vans bless their hearts.  

Then the truth hit. 

I was the loser who forgot to take off his name badge. There goes my Costco popularity. They thought I just worked there. Oh well it was fun while it lasted.

If one is to be grateful can I just say one thing? I'm grateful for that moment when you come home get in your fat pants (don't judge) crawl into bed get yourself all cozy and fall asleep. Oh! The joys of turning on the netflix and finding a show you love but haven't seen in forever (I'm looking at you White Chicks "she's going to have a BF" which so describes my job on so many levels) or my absolutely favorite thing ever and curling up on the couch with a good book and finding out it's a series that's finished! Let me explain I start so many great books find out they are a series but the author is taking their sweet time finishing and I spend months to years anguishing rereading and then oh wait the author dies! I'm looking at you Robert Jordan! 

Now to begin my favorite holiday! The only requirement is to eat! Something I'm good at! 

Might have to upgrade the fat pants...

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Hollerback Girl


Can I be honest?  I mean brutally honest?  When one gets on the social media during the month of November it goes from the incessant complaints about the frivolous to the suddenly to instantly grateful it gives one whiplash how fast it changes. Just like Christmas appearing right after Halloween! Turn to the center isle of Smith Grocery King and BAM! Red and Green exploding off the shelves! It causes one to almost go into hiding and don't get me started on Christmas music. 

Now that I've gotten that out of the way lets get back to what I was originally going to say about these gratitude post these thirty days of  I"m thankful for my coffee pot, I'm thankful for my child for existing, and while it is nice to see how much people are willing to reveal about themselves they are rather boring. The are safe responses the ones we give to other during those awkward getting to know you games that one plays at parties. Embarrassing and an absolute waste of time! Let people converse naturally the best kind of host is one who knows their guest and works hard to introduce people who have similar interest and let it flow from there.

However since I am writing this I must be honest. I'm just guilty as the next person of doing it. Yet as I was sitting in church I began thinking well if I want things to change what would it be? What am I grateful for that goes beyond the realm of basic humanistic needs?  Just as shocking as someone slamming the hymnal too loudly (in a single's ward during the sacrament it is quieter than a tomb! If you are feeling guilty you can swear the whole ward can hear your heart beating!) it shocks you that sudden slam! It hit me!  I was grateful for not the things but the most absolutely things in life are the lessons they taught me! I'm almost thirty and I've realized I only have so little time left and have so much to learn, so much to see and most importantly so much left to do.

So lets get to it shall we? The great lessons I've so far. Pay attention. These are important. 

1. HAVE A SENSE OF ADVENTURE!  Life is so boring if you just let it go by past you. I was raised in a slightly unconventional way. I was brought up to always be on the ready to get out and travel, see things,and do things. My Grandpa Vern would call up and go "I'm thinking of going to California and I'm leaving in 45 minutes and if you want to go I'll come get you" so one had to be ready! If you weren't ready he left you. My father gave me an exposure to so many different unique and rather bizarre things that were happening. He would come get us Friday night after school and Saturday morning he would take us to something new once I remember he took us to a miniature horse show. Why? I don't know but it taught me to listen and read the paper and look for these avenues to expose yourself to something new. One always thinks I have to travel to have an adventure. I say all you need is a curious imagination and the willingness to try something new! If it sparks your sense of I've always wanted to...or I read about this...then do it! Have an adventure in your hometown! 

2. EXPOSE YOURSELF TO COLOR AND BEAUTY:  I remember in the summer (in my memory it is always summer) and we spent every day lounging and swimming in the pool. My mom would have all of her girlfriends come up with their kids and we have the most marvelous times. I always loved it when Julene came. She was and is so chic. She has this sense of fashion and style about her that's so uniquely her. She would bring all these wonderful magazines and catalogs  such as Vogue, Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, People, and such. I remember reading these and picturing myself in these fabulous homes filled with these objects and the fascinating people and the lives they live. Julene is the person you want to have come over to your house cause she arranges your things in a way you've never seen before. She's taught me to look for color and beauty in the world. how to see the beauty in things and how to present yourself in a tasteful and colorful way. She has added style to my life. 

3. TELL A STORY: Everyone has a story. Everyone has a unique way of phrasing it and sharing it. I've learned the most important thing is to listen. My grandpa is a marvelous story teller. He tells you the history of an object, where he bought it how much he paid for it and what was going on nationally at the time. We always joke about it but in reality I've realized it's him telling us about his past. My Grandma Dar was the same way. Sharing just the mundane details their feelings and what not have really given me the sense of listening and writing down what people say. We all want to be remembered. To be a great story teller you just have to tell what you believe about something. The rest will follow. 

These are just the brief snippets. Savor these. More soon. 

Xoxo.

B   

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Drive me crazy


Some days you look at yourself in the mirror and go oh it's going to be one of those days.


Today was that day.

Will post about mammo land detoxing from bad habits and why I totally think I would rock the male muumuu. 



 


Monday, September 2, 2013

I've Been To A Marvelous Party


(Best show ever.)

I've been to a marvelous party with doughnuts, coffee, and ice cream. It was it out in the fresh air it was inside it was everywhere! I couldn't have loved it more! 


 There comes a moment in your journey of weight loss where you go in deep deep denial. I heard a quote once that being fat was so easy. It's true. You don't count calories you don't have to exercise and if you feel like getting the double scoop of ice cream damn it you are going for the second scoop. However your pants slowly explode, you get winded going up one flight of stairs and the thought of parking far away makes you just say you know what? I don't need to go who really needs toilet paper (true story).  I hate to admit this but I'm my worst enemy. Food is my alcohol. My drug. My black tar heroin it takes away the pain of existing. Rude comments? Hello mr snickers bar. Mammo princess going crazy ( mammo princess is a rude or obnoxious person) why hello jelly bellies. My goodness this meeting driving me crazy oh look doughnuts. Oh everybody only ate one and the left overs are in the break room? Guess I can have another one. Gosh I'm tired today I want a mocha chiller. No I NEED one. I'm so tired guess ill have a Coke and Dr. Pepper combo. Who cares!  I can eat as much as I want! Who cares! As you can see the list goes on and on.



Last week I woke up and realized that I had worn the same outfits every week cause they were the only ones that fit. That my running shoes were gathering dust. My bike a relic of dust something I ride once a week to just say I did.  Then it hit me. I was using food again. Instead of being a means of energy it was slowly taking control of my life. My day focused around what time was I going to eat. What I was going to eat. Eating to brink of wanting to throw up. 

The magic, the glamour was fading, and I woke up in deep fear I had developed diabetes.

The marvelous party didn't seem so marvelous. Time to wake up. The dream has become a nightmare. 

The party is over.

Time to call it a day.



Ride Ride Ride that Pony

Meet Captian Oates!

I have always wanted a horse. Being born in the city I've never really had the chance to be around one. Yet riding a horse just seems like one of those essential  life skills like shooting a gun or learning how to churn butter. Both sound rather stupid but you never know when they are going to come in handy or an amusing conversation starter. I can just picture it oh I had the best aha moment this morning when I was out on my back porch churning butter..or perhaps not.

Anyway back to Captian Oates. For my 29th birthday I had to have one of those annoying grown up birthdays where you pay your bills and ask for house ware items. So when people asked me what I really wanted I said I want a pony! So I got many wonderful things from my family but Julie the nurse got me this wonderful fine specimen for my desk at Mammoland.

So now when I have a mammo princess(aka really pissy or rude lady) Captian Oates and I vote whether or not they get a penalty hold. 

Jorge the mixer was jealous at first but he and Peptio the toaster are glad to have a new member in the family.