Thursday, July 17, 2014

Just Around the Riverbend

I have had a bad romance with food. I mean one of those deeply terrible wait till they call heart stops and starts kind of feelings. The kind of romance in which you know the characters are so deeply wrong for each other but in the moment they are passion personified. That's why we had to break up. Cause love means never having to say your sorry. In the midst of my breakdown I realized that as I felt worse about myself the more I ate. It was a vicious cycle of I hate you I love you don't leave me I'll change kind of feelings. When I stumbled upon I realized that I wasn't alone. Cause that's how shame works. It makes you feel that you are on the island of misfit toys. Alone and forgotten. Unlike most addictions you can't stop eating food. You kinda need it in order to survive. So I couldn't quit cold turkey. Yet I needed something. 

 With all the noise and the chaos my life was creating I needed to do something to find a place of solitude and have an honest conversation with myself a true heart to heart. Having just finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert I realized that I was experiencing  many of the similar symptoms of despondency and lack of participation in my life.  Since I'm of limited means (A.K.A poor) I couldn't go off to Italy, India, and Bali to find myself. However I could take the main lessons of the book about connecting to a higher power, listening to yourself and allowing yourself to become vulnerable to the hard truths and learning to love your faults and talents. I decided that I would break my journey into a three fold journey. The first area being EAT, the second PRAY, and the last one being LOVE. See what I did there? Wink wink nudge nudge.

With this bad romance going on with food and 30 days of giving up my drugs (see mocha chillers, coke, sour patch water melons, Almond Snickers, Frosted Sugar cookies from Harmons, Talenti  Gelato, Tony's Pasta, Piccalo Brothers Pizza, Fries, Warren's Onion rings, Chocolate cake, and as I write this no wonder I was fat(er) I could go on) I decided to focus on just one area how do I change my relationship with food? How do I keep my self from going crazy?  So I wrote a simple list of rules adapted from the Whole 30 program 1. Tell myself every morning that I'm enough. 2. Don't weigh or measure yourself for 30 days let your clothes tell your story. 3. Take pictures of what you make. 4. Use Pinterest to help you find things that you want to eat that are compliant . 5. Don't play the Martyr card. Nobody is making you do this except you so man up Princess. This is a direct quote on my fridge. 6. Journal your experience. 

As it is day 19 I had a breakthrough this morning when I was eating my breakfast egg casserole that you are what you eat. If you eat heavy processed food you begin to look like it grey looking and blah. What I mean is you are never the advertisement picture but rather the real product the blah hamburger on a bun with a piece of watery lettuce and weird tomato. You look alright but your insides feel meh.  I was looking through my *Insta photos (cause I'm a vain narcissist sometimes) I realized that all my meals were allowing me to explore my creative side. Most would say that this is restrictive process. I would agree with you. I ignored my ability to just play. So  When I'm in the kitchen throwing things together I get to see the colors mix together to create a wonderful piece that just taste awesome and its like coloring in a coloring book I don't have to stay within the lines. Except for when your food explodes and you spend 2 hours cleaning your ceiling due to a chocolate chili atomic explosion seriously it was a mushroom cloud of ground turkey, tomatoes, and onions all over the place. Creating with food has allowed me to create mini art work that actually makes me excited. Plus I turn on the Pandora and  I sing and dance in the kitchen (my poor neighbors) . My relationship with food is changing and I like where I am going. 

Change is hard. But as in all things sometimes that what is hard is what makes us stronger. 

*Follow me on Instagram BFARRU8422 if you want to see a lot pictures of my randomness. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

When It Don't Come Easy

I will freely admit that I took a rather long blogging vacation and here' why. I had a mini mental crisis. I turned thirty, I became an Uncle, I got fat (er) , I lost my best friend, a friend got breast cancer, I got pneumonia and I couldn't write anymore.  As in I couldn't write anything that wasn't morose or super dramatic and oh so WOE is me! My life is so hard crap that no one really wants to read. I had pages and drafts full of rather dark and twisty Blake.
So I said to heck with it. I call it the breakdown cause I essentially went from participating in life to merely surviving it. Which at first is nice cause you get numb to all the feelings if its good or if it's bad all I felt like saying was meh shrug my shoulders and eat. Oh yes. I ate a lot. Apparently I had a lot of feelings to shove down. I ate ice cream, big hunks, sour patch watermelons, I drank mocha chillers, I drank coke like it was water. I limited myself because I allowed that nasty voice inside my head tell me that I wasn't enough. As in I wasn't perfect enough, fit enough, that I by my existence wasn't enough to be part of life. It wasn't pretty folks. 

Till I read Brene Brown's book the The Gift Of Imperfection . This book changed my outlook completely. I won't ruin the lessons that the book teaches only that it deals with key themes of being vulnerable, shame, and trying to be perfect in an imperfect world so basically everything that I have been dealing with. There was one line about how shame creates these feelings of not enoughness. She recommends when we feel shame creeping in to acknowledge it with three simple words "I Am ENOUGH". At first I read that sentence and went hah! That's cute. Later on that night it was as if all these negative emotions came through and said GET HIM!  As I laid there throwing the world's best pity party a strong voice (my voice) told the negative duo of depression and sadness that I was enough! I had a right to live my best life. 

For the first time in forever I slept well. It was rather odd. I mean really.Who knew being nice to yourself would change things? As I was instagram stalking I noticed my good friend April was doing this thing called Whole 30. Whole 30 I asked? So I went and saw this challenge to go gluten, dairy, legume, sugar, and alcohol free for 30 days.  So I thought well why not? So I created the 30 for 30. I started June30th and as of tonight it's day 17. 

Its been hell and life changing all at the same time. Since I'm passed the half way point I thought I could try writing about this experience. So forgive me. I'm a little rusty as I enter back into this world being more vulnerable and open to change. Wanna join me? Blake-o-lution the Oprah edition is what I'm calling it. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Superman (It's Not Easy)

So. Let's play a game of how much I really love 2014 so far. It seems every month has brought about some new joyous learning experience which has taught me that life is really unpredictable. Yet as the Sondheim song goes "I'm still here!" I'm alive! Not dead yet! 

Many of you have been asking me  how did I end up in the hospital this month. It goes like this I work in hospital with lots of sick people. I mean a lot. I do my best by washing my hands, sanitizing my hands and not touching people. No seriously people hand me stuff and I'm like no no I'm good you keep it. Yet somethings just happen. I got a virus. I call it the firestorm virus. It laid waste to my immune system. Fever, sore throat, ear ache, head ache, and muscle ache etc. It started two weeks ago on a Friday. No big deal I thought I'll die on the weekend and come back on Monday and be fine. Famous last words. 

So I took Monday off. Cause really when you are sick who wants to go back to work on a Monday? That's just mean. I being the genius came back to work on Tues looking like death warmed over and sounding like a 4 pack a day smoker named Delores. After being at work for a few hours my boss came up to me and said that Mammoland had voted and that I was being voted off the island till I felt better. Which at that point I was so tired and so worn out I just handed my torch over and let them extinguish it and went home to go back to my BFF my bed.  That night I woke up coughing so hard I couldn't breathe and it scared me. I'm not the type to go to the ER.I know how much one of those visits cost and secondly I believe the term EMERGENCY not I have a cold make me feel better. Yet I was like uh can't breathe this is kinda scary. Yet I got my breath back and I propped myself up with lots of pillows and called in to work. 

At this point I was it finally hit me to go to the Doctor. No more pioneer medicine for me. Pioneer medicine is what I call my stay at home care it mainly consist of sleeping and taking drugs that make me sleep ( I heart you Nyquill) and usually I'm good. So I wore my good sweats and a ratty USU T shirt and I went to the Dr. At this point I was so tired, so worn out and coughing so hard I would have gone in my bathrobe. After explaining all my symptoms I was waiting for my Dr. to go oh here's a Z pack or a prescription for antibiotics. Instead he was giving me the worried look and goes I'm thinking of admitting you. I was like oh no you aren't. I'm 29 years old and no no you aren't besides I'm not prepared to stay here and I don't want to have a sleepover at work! I'm here too much as it is! He relented and ordered blood work. See I hate needles and I was dehydrated. I knew I was dehydrated yet they came with their tubes and big needles. I begged for water and a moment to get somewhat hydrated. I'm a bleeder and people love to take my blood cause it goes fast yet I knew this wasn't going to in my favor. The MA ignored my request for water so I was like fine GF you aren't going to like this when I'm on the floor.  

When you pass out you go instantly to dreamland and its kinda nice. When I woke up my first question was "Did I pee my pants?" in high school there was a girl who gave blood too fast and peed her pants when she passed out. Since then its my worst fear if I pass out. Then I saw I had quite the audience. Nothing like having a lot of people look at you while you lay on the floor and I saw my Dr. and I looked at him and said let me guess I"m getting admitted aren't I? He nodded and said yup. 


I went in to the Dr's office and I won an overnight stay at work. WOO! 

When they admit you they suddenly think you are an invalid. No more walking for you. So as I sat in my wheel chair I realized that this was lunch time and I was going to go pass everybody I knew. I'm a big believer if you act like its not a big deal people respond to how you act in the situation.  As I was being paraded in the hallway I acted like I was in a parade. A. I didn't realize I knew so many people and B. Its kinda fun to wave to everybody. With everybody asking me what was going on I just told them I won an overnight stay at the hospital! 

More tomorrow. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


They say life is like the weather. Wait five minutes it will change. In the course of the last four months I've lost 20 pounds, almost lost my dad to a scary blood clot, lost my best friend and grandma and on thurs found out a good friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

While I wouldn't stand up and declare these to be the best months ever it's made me so grateful for the opportunity to realize how life is so fragile. I realize I would give up the things I've realized are meaningless in order to have this fire of belief in me that allows me to wake up and go okay! I'm here. I'm flawed but I'm here.

My friends come and stand beside me cause lately I'm feeling so lost. The storms have come up on the horizon and I'm standing a little scared a little alone. Then I heard a voice call out and stood beside me while the rains of change came. There is nothing more wonderful in life when you have someone stand beside you and allow you to weep. When you realize how wonderful the miracle of grief and how it changes your perspective on everything.  

I'm far from perfect. Yet I realize all the times I've been selfish and unkind I've hurt people and I'm sorry. These storms will come and go in life I realize now yet as I get older how much more the joyous moments over shadow the bad. I used to always try to live in the future. Play the what if game. Now I'm trying to live in the now. To ride all the good things and bad things in life with an attitude of gratitude.  

Thank you to those who have been with me lately in spirit or in presence. You have lifted me up in ways I didn't even know I needed. What I'm trying to say in this post is that I've changed a lot in the last few months and these months have taught me that we all have hurt buried deep within us and when others come to lift you out of it it's the most wonderful gift. 

So I'm here. Flawed and imperfect but I'm here and I'm holding on for another day. 

Monday, February 3, 2014


Look I'm sorry it took me a while to get back. I suffered a wee bit of an emotional trauma and well nobody wants to read angsty-I'm-so-sad-woe is me my feelings are all black and I just sit here on the couch watching Netflix post. I've got them but who wants to read them. Truth is when you are grieving they (the fancy book people who write books about feelings) say that people who are grieving tend to expand (see fat) and be a little depressed. Well since that was pretty much the theme of last year I have been working harder to keep myself moving. 

Enter The Biggest Loser.

I have such a love/hate relationship with this show. I love it for the fact that it motivates me and I relate so much to each of the contestants. All of their stories feed into mine. Midnight binge eating? Social withdrawal? Fat clothes. Check. Check and check. I even love the emotional moments when the trainers get them on the treadmill and they are falling over and they are like move! Move! I don't care what happened! Keep moving. To tell you the truth I get a little jealous.  I don't have a personal trainer I just have Pinterest and really great clothes that I can't wear to keep me moving. 

Now let's get to the fun stuff shall we?

I hate this show for the fact that you start your weight loss journey and you are like yes! I didn't eat for an hour! Go me! Then you work your fat self over and over again and you get on the scale and you expect to see big numbers and either you stay the same or gain. Plus don't get me started on this whole 40 minute show business. I miss my 2 hour specials! It feels rushed. I need that emotional connection. Plus where's the screaming and the crying?! Seriously though. What the heck NBC?

So there's that. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Softly as I Leave You

Yesterday I had to say good bye to my wonderfully witty beautiful Grandma Dar. 

I took this picture last Thursday on what was suppose to be our weekly date to get her hair done and go to lunch instead I got to learn my last lesson from her. As I sat there in her room holding her hand I thought of all the times I had sat on the same bed and had some of the best conversations of my life. She was the one that taught me that it's best to have a an intimidate relationship with one's bed and I sat there just the two of us feeling her squeeze my hand occasionally. When I was younger I would hold her hand and she would tap her fingers against my palm and I asked her once what it was and she said it was the music in her head. So when she squeezed I knew she was letting me know she was there. 

When people ask me how I'm doing I say what my grandma always said "Great! But not so good" it comes in waves. It's never easy to say goodbye to your best friend. All my memories begin with her. She was someone that I can say who loved me unconditionally. 

We all need a magical friend like my Grandma Dar. She gave me the most wonderful gift of humor and kindness. The world seems a little bit darker and colder without her. I loved to go places with her cause she had this ability to break down people's walls. I had more waitresses talk to her about their lives...yet she always took the time to listen and made them  feel better about themselves. 

As the hours grew longer sitting there I realized that this was the last time I could ever say what she meant to me.  I told her how my life had been changed forever because she had been in my life, I told her she had taught me so much of kindness, of love, and family. I thanked for her healing my heart when life got it damaged. I thanked her for always being there for me.  I thanked her for the laughter. Oh so much laughter. So much of me has been made of what I had learned from her and I know she'll always be with me. She had to to quote Wicked changed my life for the better because I knew her I had been changed for good. 

So this morning when I got the text that she had left this life I couldn't get out of bed. Cause I knew if I got out the bed it would start that for the rest of my life I would live in a world without my wonderful, beautiful, witty best friend. That when I played Sinatra it would only be me singing along to the radio.When I heard a funny story it would only be me laughing. That when I left her house she wouldn't be standing on her front porch waving goodbye till I couldn't see her anymore. I laid there for quite a while. 

Then I made a decision. I got out of bed and decided that I had to face it that though she may be physically gone she was far from being gone in my life. 

Every day I will remind myself that for a brief moment I had a wonderful friend and she was there. 

Goodbye Grandma, 

I'll miss you for the rest of my life. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Get happy

Welcome to week 2 of the Blake-O-lution. I've lost 3 pounds. YAY says the single person in the audience. So what have I learned this last week? Well first of all that 4:30 in the morning is not pretty no matter how hard you try it's still ugly. However the price of not having people see my man boobs flying all over the place? Priceless. 

I'm trying something new this time. I'm doing double workouts on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I run at 4:30 am on Monday and Wednesday and Saturday I do my long run while still doing p90x at night. I know I know but I've always wanted to see if I could do it. It's been three weeks since my last coke and mocha chiller. I miss them daily but at night when I finally collapse in bed too sore to move I fall right to sleep. I've fallen in love with my fitbit. It buzzes me when I've sat too long on Pinterest excuse me I mean work. 

I'm choosing to be happy in life. For too long I was focused on what was wrong, how depressing my life was, how boring, how fat, how tired, how it was all too much. Living with depression is so debilitating cause some days making it through a whole day of work felt like I had ran a marathon. However each morning I give my self 10 minutes of what I call spiritual reflection. I read something positive or I watch a brief clip of one of my favorite comedians and I try to think of all the positive things or things that I'm struggling with but working toward. When I run now I sing to my i-pod *I've got the eye of the tiger...and you gonna hear me ROAR* and I don't care what people think. It's taken me 29 years to finally realize that I have been given a lot and I should be grateful for what I have and not what I want. Want is so dangerous cause it consumes us to ignoring what we already have. 

They say week 2 is the hardest. I believe them. It's hard to change! I miss being lazy! However I don't miss not feeling stuck so hey I will take it. Things are getting better. I'm getting better. I'm gonna make it after all!

Throws hat in air and scene.