Thursday, April 10, 2014

Superman (It's Not Easy)


So. Let's play a game of how much I really love 2014 so far. It seems every month has brought about some new joyous learning experience which has taught me that life is really unpredictable. Yet as the Sondheim song goes "I'm still here!" I'm alive! Not dead yet! 

Many of you have been asking me  how did I end up in the hospital this month. It goes like this I work in hospital with lots of sick people. I mean a lot. I do my best by washing my hands, sanitizing my hands and not touching people. No seriously people hand me stuff and I'm like no no I'm good you keep it. Yet somethings just happen. I got a virus. I call it the firestorm virus. It laid waste to my immune system. Fever, sore throat, ear ache, head ache, and muscle ache etc. It started two weeks ago on a Friday. No big deal I thought I'll die on the weekend and come back on Monday and be fine. Famous last words. 

So I took Monday off. Cause really when you are sick who wants to go back to work on a Monday? That's just mean. I being the genius came back to work on Tues looking like death warmed over and sounding like a 4 pack a day smoker named Delores. After being at work for a few hours my boss came up to me and said that Mammoland had voted and that I was being voted off the island till I felt better. Which at that point I was so tired and so worn out I just handed my torch over and let them extinguish it and went home to go back to my BFF my bed.  That night I woke up coughing so hard I couldn't breathe and it scared me. I'm not the type to go to the ER.I know how much one of those visits cost and secondly I believe the term EMERGENCY not I have a cold make me feel better. Yet I was like uh can't breathe this is kinda scary. Yet I got my breath back and I propped myself up with lots of pillows and called in to work. 

At this point I was it finally hit me to go to the Doctor. No more pioneer medicine for me. Pioneer medicine is what I call my stay at home care it mainly consist of sleeping and taking drugs that make me sleep ( I heart you Nyquill) and usually I'm good. So I wore my good sweats and a ratty USU T shirt and I went to the Dr. At this point I was so tired, so worn out and coughing so hard I would have gone in my bathrobe. After explaining all my symptoms I was waiting for my Dr. to go oh here's a Z pack or a prescription for antibiotics. Instead he was giving me the worried look and goes I'm thinking of admitting you. I was like oh no you aren't. I'm 29 years old and no no you aren't besides I'm not prepared to stay here and I don't want to have a sleepover at work! I'm here too much as it is! He relented and ordered blood work. See I hate needles and I was dehydrated. I knew I was dehydrated yet they came with their tubes and big needles. I begged for water and a moment to get somewhat hydrated. I'm a bleeder and people love to take my blood cause it goes fast yet I knew this wasn't going to in my favor. The MA ignored my request for water so I was like fine GF you aren't going to like this when I'm on the floor.  

When you pass out you go instantly to dreamland and its kinda nice. When I woke up my first question was "Did I pee my pants?" in high school there was a girl who gave blood too fast and peed her pants when she passed out. Since then its my worst fear if I pass out. Then I saw I had quite the audience. Nothing like having a lot of people look at you while you lay on the floor and I saw my Dr. and I looked at him and said let me guess I"m getting admitted aren't I? He nodded and said yup. 

Perfect. 

I went in to the Dr's office and I won an overnight stay at work. WOO! 

When they admit you they suddenly think you are an invalid. No more walking for you. So as I sat in my wheel chair I realized that this was lunch time and I was going to go pass everybody I knew. I'm a big believer if you act like its not a big deal people respond to how you act in the situation.  As I was being paraded in the hallway I acted like I was in a parade. A. I didn't realize I knew so many people and B. Its kinda fun to wave to everybody. With everybody asking me what was going on I just told them I won an overnight stay at the hospital! 

More tomorrow. 


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Mary


They say life is like the weather. Wait five minutes it will change. In the course of the last four months I've lost 20 pounds, almost lost my dad to a scary blood clot, lost my best friend and grandma and on thurs found out a good friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

While I wouldn't stand up and declare these to be the best months ever it's made me so grateful for the opportunity to realize how life is so fragile. I realize I would give up the things I've realized are meaningless in order to have this fire of belief in me that allows me to wake up and go okay! I'm here. I'm flawed but I'm here.

My friends come and stand beside me cause lately I'm feeling so lost. The storms have come up on the horizon and I'm standing a little scared a little alone. Then I heard a voice call out and stood beside me while the rains of change came. There is nothing more wonderful in life when you have someone stand beside you and allow you to weep. When you realize how wonderful the miracle of grief and how it changes your perspective on everything.  

I'm far from perfect. Yet I realize all the times I've been selfish and unkind I've hurt people and I'm sorry. These storms will come and go in life I realize now yet as I get older how much more the joyous moments over shadow the bad. I used to always try to live in the future. Play the what if game. Now I'm trying to live in the now. To ride all the good things and bad things in life with an attitude of gratitude.  

Thank you to those who have been with me lately in spirit or in presence. You have lifted me up in ways I didn't even know I needed. What I'm trying to say in this post is that I've changed a lot in the last few months and these months have taught me that we all have hurt buried deep within us and when others come to lift you out of it it's the most wonderful gift. 

So I'm here. Flawed and imperfect but I'm here and I'm holding on for another day. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

Royals


Look I'm sorry it took me a while to get back. I suffered a wee bit of an emotional trauma and well nobody wants to read angsty-I'm-so-sad-woe is me my feelings are all black and I just sit here on the couch watching Netflix post. I've got them but who wants to read them. Truth is when you are grieving they (the fancy book people who write books about feelings) say that people who are grieving tend to expand (see fat) and be a little depressed. Well since that was pretty much the theme of last year I have been working harder to keep myself moving. 

Enter The Biggest Loser.

I have such a love/hate relationship with this show. I love it for the fact that it motivates me and I relate so much to each of the contestants. All of their stories feed into mine. Midnight binge eating? Social withdrawal? Fat clothes. Check. Check and check. I even love the emotional moments when the trainers get them on the treadmill and they are falling over and they are like move! Move! I don't care what happened! Keep moving. To tell you the truth I get a little jealous.  I don't have a personal trainer I just have Pinterest and really great clothes that I can't wear to keep me moving. 

Now let's get to the fun stuff shall we?

I hate this show for the fact that you start your weight loss journey and you are like yes! I didn't eat for an hour! Go me! Then you work your fat self over and over again and you get on the scale and you expect to see big numbers and either you stay the same or gain. Plus don't get me started on this whole 40 minute show business. I miss my 2 hour specials! It feels rushed. I need that emotional connection. Plus where's the screaming and the crying?! Seriously though. What the heck NBC?

So there's that. 





Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Softly as I Leave You


Yesterday I had to say good bye to my wonderfully witty beautiful Grandma Dar. 

I took this picture last Thursday on what was suppose to be our weekly date to get her hair done and go to lunch instead I got to learn my last lesson from her. As I sat there in her room holding her hand I thought of all the times I had sat on the same bed and had some of the best conversations of my life. She was the one that taught me that it's best to have a an intimidate relationship with one's bed and I sat there just the two of us feeling her squeeze my hand occasionally. When I was younger I would hold her hand and she would tap her fingers against my palm and I asked her once what it was and she said it was the music in her head. So when she squeezed I knew she was letting me know she was there. 

When people ask me how I'm doing I say what my grandma always said "Great! But not so good" it comes in waves. It's never easy to say goodbye to your best friend. All my memories begin with her. She was someone that I can say who loved me unconditionally. 

We all need a magical friend like my Grandma Dar. She gave me the most wonderful gift of humor and kindness. The world seems a little bit darker and colder without her. I loved to go places with her cause she had this ability to break down people's walls. I had more waitresses talk to her about their lives...yet she always took the time to listen and made them  feel better about themselves. 

As the hours grew longer sitting there I realized that this was the last time I could ever say what she meant to me.  I told her how my life had been changed forever because she had been in my life, I told her she had taught me so much of kindness, of love, and family. I thanked for her healing my heart when life got it damaged. I thanked her for always being there for me.  I thanked her for the laughter. Oh so much laughter. So much of me has been made of what I had learned from her and I know she'll always be with me. She had to to quote Wicked changed my life for the better because I knew her I had been changed for good. 

So this morning when I got the text that she had left this life I couldn't get out of bed. Cause I knew if I got out the bed it would start that for the rest of my life I would live in a world without my wonderful, beautiful, witty best friend. That when I played Sinatra it would only be me singing along to the radio.When I heard a funny story it would only be me laughing. That when I left her house she wouldn't be standing on her front porch waving goodbye till I couldn't see her anymore. I laid there for quite a while. 

Then I made a decision. I got out of bed and decided that I had to face it that though she may be physically gone she was far from being gone in my life. 

Every day I will remind myself that for a brief moment I had a wonderful friend and she was there. 

Goodbye Grandma, 

I'll miss you for the rest of my life. 




Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Get happy



Welcome to week 2 of the Blake-O-lution. I've lost 3 pounds. YAY says the single person in the audience. So what have I learned this last week? Well first of all that 4:30 in the morning is not pretty no matter how hard you try it's still ugly. However the price of not having people see my man boobs flying all over the place? Priceless. 

I'm trying something new this time. I'm doing double workouts on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I run at 4:30 am on Monday and Wednesday and Saturday I do my long run while still doing p90x at night. I know I know but I've always wanted to see if I could do it. It's been three weeks since my last coke and mocha chiller. I miss them daily but at night when I finally collapse in bed too sore to move I fall right to sleep. I've fallen in love with my fitbit. It buzzes me when I've sat too long on Pinterest excuse me I mean work. 

I'm choosing to be happy in life. For too long I was focused on what was wrong, how depressing my life was, how boring, how fat, how tired, how it was all too much. Living with depression is so debilitating cause some days making it through a whole day of work felt like I had ran a marathon. However each morning I give my self 10 minutes of what I call spiritual reflection. I read something positive or I watch a brief clip of one of my favorite comedians and I try to think of all the positive things or things that I'm struggling with but working toward. When I run now I sing to my i-pod *I've got the eye of the tiger...and you gonna hear me ROAR* and I don't care what people think. It's taken me 29 years to finally realize that I have been given a lot and I should be grateful for what I have and not what I want. Want is so dangerous cause it consumes us to ignoring what we already have. 

They say week 2 is the hardest. I believe them. It's hard to change! I miss being lazy! However I don't miss not feeling stuck so hey I will take it. Things are getting better. I'm getting better. I'm gonna make it after all!

Throws hat in air and scene. 







Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Do You Want To Build A Snowman?


Oh good gracious are my legs are on fire.  There is something about waking up early though and going for a run (even if it's on a treadmill at 4:30 in the morning)  and moving your body. This morning I was running and there was nobody in my rock star gym so I brought in my little Charlie's Angel's speaker box (Hello Angels!) and I plugged in my running i-pod  and got the party started. Since I'm trying to keep my signing skills fresh I practiced all the signs I knew to the songs in the mirror. If they have a security camera in there they got a great you tube video of a fat kid hand dancing. 

I'm sore all over and picking up the phone is an exercise in torture but at least I'm able to say that I'm no longer stuck in the feeling that I can't do anything. Deciding to move on and letting stuff go was probably one of the best ideas I've had in a long long time. As I run/walk when I feel better. Maybe there is some truth to what Elle Woods said in Legally Blonde. "Endorphin's make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands" and I don't feel so hopeless maybe it helps that I put Neil Young on the back burner for awhile. 

I've started p90x as well. I do two workout days on Monday and Wen. with my long run being on Saturday.I'm not trying to be overly ambitious its more for the fact that I paid to do a half marathon, I work ten hour shifts and I've always wanted to try it. Hence the soreness. Also since school wasn't a possibility with my work schedule I needed something to fill the time! I hate being bored and Netflix doesn't have anything I want to watch except Arrow but I made a vow with the married people that I would only watch it with them so I have to wait. 

Oh!

Have I praised Epsom Salts yet? Cause if I haven't I totally mean to. Saved my life. 






Monday, January 6, 2014

I Am Blake Hear Me Roar


 This is me at 5:45 this morning after realizing that I'm no where near the running shape I was in six months ago and you know what? I was just glad that I was moving. I've been thinking a lot about the Blake-O-Lution and why I have gained and lost weight over the years. The biggest thing I could conclude this morning when I was doing dry heaves was that no one likes to be uncomfortable. We don't exercise because it makes us sweat, it chafes our legs, and let's face it laying on the couch reading a good book is a lot more entertaining. 

I took this picture to remind myself that I need to become comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. Also to show that those dumb pins on Pinterest where everybody looks all nice during a work out and they are all look at me I look great! This is the harsh reality kids. You look like crap and you want to die. 


I'm trying to be honest with myself. I hope in six months to look at this picture and go well I don't look great but at least I was willing to take a picture of it and say I did it! So if you need motivation I can only say this How comfortable are you with the idea of being uncomfortable? Do you have the courage to go hungry *not starve yourself hungry but not feasting on the sugars?*   and here's the thing I'm having the biggest issue with is saying no. Saying no to myself. No I don't need ice cream. No I don't need candy. No DOTS are not acceptable forms of dinner. and saying yes to the hard things. Yes I need to get up. Yes I need to move. Yes to the good things. Yes I love myself. That's the important thing I'm learning is that I need to stop looking in the mirror and seeing my flaws and start saying nice things about myself. I find Beyonce songs help a lot. I'm bootylicious. No wait. Better than that Fergie I'm Blake-a-licious. 

It's not pretty but as my Grandpa would say. Well it's a start.