Dinner Anyone?

My life motto. 

Dear married and/or people in committed relationships, I'm writing you this letter to let you know that last Monday I took one for the team. If you have had illusions of what the single life is like let me tell you how glamorous it really is. 

Earlier this year when I was at home dying of the chemo(NOT FOR CANCER!) I realized that all my friends were people I'd made from high school or USU. Which is totally awesome but I'd essentially had become a recluse. Yay for social isolation! This year my goal has been to be more brave as it is expanding on my word from the year before of freedom. So I made a rule that I can't no to any social occasion that I can attend. 

Enter in Tinder. 

(Yes. Blake does Tinder.)  

After figuring the whole swiping thing I finally had a match! And it wasn't someone who wasn't super crazy and had a funny sense of humor. So last Sunday I got a message: (From the transcript) 

Tinder Date: Hey I know this is forward but I would love to get to know you better want to meet up for drinks tonight? 

Me: I don't drink but I can get a water or a coke or something but I would love to meet you too. 

Tinder Date: Great! Want to meet at the Hotel Bigelow at 7? 

Me: Perfect. See you then. 

(Side note: I only agreed for Sunday because I was dressed cute from a baby blessing and my Grandpa always says you don't get a second chance for a first impression so when you know you look good you go with it.)

Showing up five minutes early I sat there at the bar and ordered a water. 

7:05. No sign. Okay well maybe they got held up in traffic. 

7:15. No sign, no text. Well maybe I got confused. Sent a text of hey you said the Hotel Bigelow right? No answer. 

7:30 No sign, no text, no phone call now on coke and a water. Well maybe the right time? Send another text of hello? Nothing. Zip. 

7:45 No sign, no text, no phone call, two cokes and 3 waters and a bartender giving me the oh honey look. I send one more text of guess you aren't coming. 

7:50 No sign, no texts, no phone call and the realization that bar cokes are lot more expensive than McDonald Cokes I pay the bartender and go home. 

Monday afternoon 3:45 pm: 

Sitting at work when my phone buzzes. 

Tinder Date: 

Hey I'm so sorry about Sunday I had a personal emergency and I thought I had texted you to let you know but obviously I didn't. I would love to make it up to you. I'm a chef and would love to make you dinner tonight if you are free. 

Me: Hey I'm glad you are okay. I thought I got stood up. Yeah that would be great what time and restaurant? 

Tinder Date: Actually I'm not working tonight it will be at my house. Are you okay with that? 

Me: I'm okay with it if you are comfortable with it. Do you need me to bring something? 

Tinder Date: I think it would be fine. Let's say 7? My place? Address...

Me: Great see you then! 

Monday night 6:55. The residence. 

After using the google maps (seriously what did we do without the google?)  I arrive. 

Knocking on the door we have the awkward conversation while I look at the decor (early stage hoarder) and after awhile they go okay let's have dinner. So we go to the dining room where we proceed to have ICEBERG LETTUCE SALAD WITH GRATED CARROT and a small BIT OF RED PEPPER. With the choice of dressing being RANCH or RANCH. 

I'm going rant for a moment. NO CHEF in their right mind would serve iceberg lettuce in their kitchen alone without some mixed romaine lettuce, spinach and would not have a little bit of carrot. But sitting there eating this water in a bowl I think okay well we are all guilty upselling ourselves a little bit. 

Then we get to dinner. 

DAY OLD STOUFFERS LASAGNA cold on the counter and reheated in the microwave. Frozen solid in the middle. I love lasagna but I don't claim to be a chef when I make it. But I do make it in the oven vs. the microwave. Just saying. 

After eating the warm bits this lovely thing drops from their mouth. 

"Let me tell you why the Mormons are wrong". 

I'm sure my eyebrows went up into my scalp but I take a deep breath and go that's an interesting position where did you grow up. 

After several attempts of steering the conversation to anything, the weather, Golden Girls, and even politics they kept on blathering on. 

Finally I had enough. Standing up I go I'm going to leave and here's why first for making me look like a giant jackass last night for standing me up and second for not changing the topic when you can clearly see that I'm not interested in leaving my church. The fact that you won't drop it is extremely rude and feels deeply inappropriate. Taking a step forward I tripped over the cat. 

Let's milk that one again. I tripped over the cat and fell flat on my face. Not even like the graceful to the knees we are talking full on on the floor face first in fur. Standing up brushing the cat hair off of me I go and if you want to know why you are single I make a big hand circular gesture (no I didn't flip them off) and went this. ALL OF this. I'd explain it to you but I don't think you would get it. 

And I walked out. 

So dear married people and/or committed relationship folks have illusion that single life is better please refer back to this post. 

Xoxo, 

Blake