Monday, September 8, 2014

It's Oh So Nice to Go Traveling

If I could describe my first memory it would be the day that my grandpa gave me the gift of flight. In that very plane you see above he took me on a short flight around Ogden. I remember looking out and seeing the world and the sky above me seeing to me the whole world and my grandpa so strong and sure and in control. I didn't realize it at the time but what he was giving me was the chance to see the space I was in from a different perspective. As I've gotten older I use that memory whenever I'm faced with a troubling situation I lift myself above it and look at the problem from a different angle. 

As a reformed fat(er) kid I realize that the problems and situations in which I ate my feelings could have been changed if I had looked at the situation from a different angle. It's not easy when trapped by the feelings of self doubt, loathing, and lack of control. As I ford ahead on my third month of the whole 30 x3 I realize that my food issues stem from a feeling of inadequatcy and self doubt. Why is it I have asked myself over and over again the last few months that I can accept the negative words, the judge mental stares, and the hurtful comments about myself, my appearance and my writing but I cannot let the positive words, the encouragement, and the smiles stick to my person. As I was flying home yesterday watching my grandpa do his safety checks and preparing the course to fly us home from Idaho I realized that my morning self check has always been focused on the negative. Focusing on the appearance of what I view as my faults instead of what I find as strengths. To check on how far I've come instead of where I want to go.  For too long I've wondered when my life will begin instead of realizing that my life journey has always begun. 

Look I hate to sound like Oprah but I'm entering the third part of my life and I'm really ready to just move past the whole negative Debbie downer fat kid stage that I allowed to be in the last five years. I've had enough. Let's just let it go. Tie all those negative thoughts to the invisible ballon strings  and release them from us so that we can allow ourselves to have the feeling of flight. I'm ready to be free of the weight pressing down on me. To allow my inner self have a chance to fly as my outer self has. 

So there's that. 

Friday, September 5, 2014

All about that Base

Look I know it's a Mormon Mommy car but let's look at this way. I needed something practical, with four doors, great in the snow, and enough room so that I could go to IKEA and not look like an idiot driving down I-15. It's still nameless and if you have any great ideas I would love to hear them.

These last few weeks have taught me several things mainly be grateful for your troubles. Why? Cause they teach you lessons that you need to learn. Don't worry I still had the WOE IS ME MY LIFE IS SO HARD meltdown last week but as I was rowing this morning I thought I'm changing my attitude towards my problems. I'm going to be grateful that I'm being challenged with the problems I have verses the problems of others.  I'm not saying my troubles are better or worse than anybody else's rather I'm grateful that I'm learning to be humble.

Pride isn't fun to over come. 

So while I'm driving in my new car help me think of a new name? Plus why do I buy just blue cars? Random thought. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Just Noise

Car shopping is like dating after a long relationship that ended badly. You have all your friends telling you dude get over it go out for a few dates and you will forget about her. Yet while the time you are out on a date (or test driving) you still long for the one that got away. My beloved Beatrice aka Bertie transmission died. No more will I be able to drop the top and have my hair wind tossed and blast "Like a Virgin" while I zip through Ogden canyon. 

Which leads me to the dark place.  I loved my Mini Cooper. It was the first car that I was able to buy with my own say throwing out the practical need (my honda civic practical and reliable but oh so boring) and it was in my signature color (blue) and it had heated seats! Heated seats I tell you my cold butt cheeks relished the warmth that had been denied them. Plus there was the I love your car moments. I loved it when people said I love your car! Or being spotted all over town I know it sounds silly but it was nice to be noticed. However as I was at my largest during the mini ownership so I wonder if people were going Fat man in a little car! Of course there were the little things that annoyed me of how the cup holders were more of a thought. After a memorable drive down I-15 with the top down after a spendy trip to IKEA with a huge picture strapped to the back seat the hauling factor was well questionable. Plus I felt bad for whoever had to ride in the back shelf I mean seat it was more of a thought than anything else. 

Oh! The places we traveled! To Sun Valley, Colorado, California, and all over the state of Utah. I will miss you Bertie. I'll remember all the fun we had and may your motoring adventures continue with someone who will love you as much as I did. 

Meanwhile I stay here so single and alone looking for another to fill up the hole in my heart. 

Thank you for your kind words during this hard time.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Shake it Off

"Haters gonna hate hate hate and baby I'm going shake shake shake shake it off"-Taylor Swift 

One thing about being a recovering  fat kid is that you assume everyone judges  you based on your appearance. As if your mass is the reason why the whole universe has declared war on you is because you can't say no to the sugar, the ice cream, and Cafe Rio.  So as I expanded my sense of self worth deflated to terrible low levels which then lead to me playing the worst game ever. The comparison game. I think everybody plays it in one form or another in which you compare all of your faults to someone else's strengths.  Which is really a fun way to booster yourself esteem points.  Before I began this whole 30 journey I would sit here at my desk in the middle of the hallway (I call it the barge or the spot for all lost souls come looking for direction)  and all day long I see the various drug reps, doctors, and pregnant ladies and their husbands it's a very bad parade that I got to watch everyday.  

I hated it.

One thing about drug reps and doctors is that there must be some cardinal rule that you have to be very fit, very handsome, and having a charming personality. In the throes of my shame spiral I would look these people and find myself wanting to " be up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun wandering free wish I could be (insert big sigh) part of your world" it seemed they had all the things I was surely lacking. So after my birthday I decided there were only a few things I could change. I can't change being older but I could change the direction in which my mass was going (aka I could get bigger or I could get smaller) and I chose to be smaller. 

Which like all my other weight loss dreams tend to flame out about lunch time. However with only 30 days to do this I found myself telling myself over and over again if I can't do this for X amount of days how do I expect myself to change? After completing my first 30 days I realized that I have a lot more food issues that I needed to work through (Mocha chillers I wish I knew how to quit you or at least stop obsessing about you)  so I signed on for another 30 days. 

At the end of August I lost another 10 pounds! In the last two months I've lost twenty-three pounds and a lot of inches plus I fit in my not so fat pants. It's not biggest loser level but I'll take it. Plus I find myself no longer playing the comparison game. I'm not completely to the weight/body that I want yet but I find myself pulling myself out of the shame spiral and making peace with me and how I look. All the time I spent wasting my energy on comparing and judging myself to others has made me sad that I didn't trust myself enough to try to be better. So I'm trying to be the best Blake I can be. I'm acknowledging my faults so that I can focus on the qualities that make happy. I find myself feeling lighter as I shake off this sadness that has lived inside me for so long. I'm leaving it behind too. To put it in a metaphor I'm dropping my sad luggage in the road and I'm unpacking all the doubt, all the sadness, the anger, and the feeling of being worthless and I'm planting them and hoping that they turn into something better. In a way I hope they are teaching me to be more compassionate, more caring, and a better giver to people. 

I'm not perfect. I'm not done changing. I'm just  going to shake shake shake it off.