Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Shake it Off

"Haters gonna hate hate hate and baby I'm going shake shake shake shake it off"-Taylor Swift 

One thing about being a recovering  fat kid is that you assume everyone judges  you based on your appearance. As if your mass is the reason why the whole universe has declared war on you is because you can't say no to the sugar, the ice cream, and Cafe Rio.  So as I expanded my sense of self worth deflated to terrible low levels which then lead to me playing the worst game ever. The comparison game. I think everybody plays it in one form or another in which you compare all of your faults to someone else's strengths.  Which is really a fun way to booster yourself esteem points.  Before I began this whole 30 journey I would sit here at my desk in the middle of the hallway (I call it the barge or the spot for all lost souls come looking for direction)  and all day long I see the various drug reps, doctors, and pregnant ladies and their husbands it's a very bad parade that I got to watch everyday.  

I hated it.

One thing about drug reps and doctors is that there must be some cardinal rule that you have to be very fit, very handsome, and having a charming personality. In the throes of my shame spiral I would look these people and find myself wanting to " be up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun wandering free wish I could be (insert big sigh) part of your world" it seemed they had all the things I was surely lacking. So after my birthday I decided there were only a few things I could change. I can't change being older but I could change the direction in which my mass was going (aka I could get bigger or I could get smaller) and I chose to be smaller. 

Which like all my other weight loss dreams tend to flame out about lunch time. However with only 30 days to do this I found myself telling myself over and over again if I can't do this for X amount of days how do I expect myself to change? After completing my first 30 days I realized that I have a lot more food issues that I needed to work through (Mocha chillers I wish I knew how to quit you or at least stop obsessing about you)  so I signed on for another 30 days. 

At the end of August I lost another 10 pounds! In the last two months I've lost twenty-three pounds and a lot of inches plus I fit in my not so fat pants. It's not biggest loser level but I'll take it. Plus I find myself no longer playing the comparison game. I'm not completely to the weight/body that I want yet but I find myself pulling myself out of the shame spiral and making peace with me and how I look. All the time I spent wasting my energy on comparing and judging myself to others has made me sad that I didn't trust myself enough to try to be better. So I'm trying to be the best Blake I can be. I'm acknowledging my faults so that I can focus on the qualities that make happy. I find myself feeling lighter as I shake off this sadness that has lived inside me for so long. I'm leaving it behind too. To put it in a metaphor I'm dropping my sad luggage in the road and I'm unpacking all the doubt, all the sadness, the anger, and the feeling of being worthless and I'm planting them and hoping that they turn into something better. In a way I hope they are teaching me to be more compassionate, more caring, and a better giver to people. 

I'm not perfect. I'm not done changing. I'm just  going to shake shake shake it off.  

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