Monday, October 31, 2011

When October Goes

Oh! How I hate to see October go.

Its the death of warmth, sunlight, and happiness. Cause that's when the snow begins to fly up above the roofs in a twilight sky. I hate to see October go. Oh well. Lets begin the holy trio of eating. Halloween, thanksgiving, and a December holiday. Oh my poor pants. I'm already in my fat ones and now I'm afraid I'm going to have to get the kind with the elastic give in the waistbands. These are my horrors of Halloween.

What have I been up to you ask? Well tragedy struck in our family. A terrible loss was inflicted upon all of us. We lost the washing machine. Well I didn't lose it the dumb thing died at my mother's house. You have to understand this was a serious loss to me. As I am currently two days away from selling myself on street corners till payday this means I'm either going hobo to work or strive for "special". Who wears short shorts? Me apparently if don't find a washing machine.

On facebook I posted that I am starting a new feature here called Whose awesome? So if you want a post about why I think you are awesome either comment on facebook or leave a comment here. Look for the first post tomorrow!

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I Won't Dance Don't Ask Me

(For Lizett. )

I'm not a runner. I've done a half marathon, a marathon and a 5k and now in training for a 5 k in February, a 7 k in March, a half marathon in April, and a 30 k in May (and if I'm nuts I might do a marathon again.) but yet every time I put on my running shoes I feel like a fraud. Yet I do it as a public service to all the people on Harrison Blvd to see my rather large self chugging on down the blvd. I'm always afraid somebody is going to pull over and go Sir are you okay? Are you having a heart attack?

But yet Newtons Law of motion applies "An object in motion stays in motion while an object at rest stays at rest" I realize this applies to my training and my life. Right now I'm not in the best of shape. I let myself become an object of rest. All the effort I put in at the beginning of the year is gone. I am a fat shell of a former less fat self. Yet I realized I can only be the driving force in my life. Sometimes you just need a break. Only to start back up again.

I don't run for anybody but myself. I know I'm not as fasniating of a runner as my sister. I don't ride my bike like my father but I am me. I know the freedom of pushing myself to achieve a goal. I have a lot of work ahead of me but I'm excited for it.

I'm not a runner. But I like to pretend that I am.

Random Breast Cancer Fact: If you catch Breast Cancer early (by doing a self breast check and yearly mammogram) you have a 98% percent chance of survival if you ignore symptoms you have a 23%.

There was a Barber and His Wife...

In the last month I have gone to see the Dr. 3 times. In those three visits I have been hacked into, poked, prodded, and had somthing removed. This has become such a common occurance that I have now renamed my Doctors Sweeny Todd. Cause apparently I'm just juciy enough to cut into.

Lucky me.

That and last night I got Mormom Ambushed. For those of you who don't know what that is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is very big on visiting you in your home. We send representatives once a month called home teachers to check on you and give you a spiritual message. Which is fine. Its always nice to get a friendly hello. Or if you are like me you bribe them with Ice Cream Coupons write a brief update on the facebook wall and they never come to haunt you again. But every so often you visited by the head honchos. The bishop or the member of the quorom presidency. Which is what happend to me last night. They call it a "surprise visit" I called it a Mormon Ambush.

I had just gotten home after a really hard day at work. The kind of day where you look forward to chaninging into your pajamas reading a book and putting in your white strips kinda evening. So there I was on the couch dear reader in my very ratty save the Ta Tas shirt and old scrub bottoms. Then it happend. The pounding knock of guilt upon my door. I looked out the peep hole and what did I see? The bishop and the Elder's qurom president starting back at me! So I did what every person does when the get Mormon Ambushed. I opend the door and said "TA DA! Here is I!" after which we had a very nice pleasant visit. Oh it was fun.

Just a heads up. Be careful of the Mormon Ambush. It could happen to you!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Oh My Poor Neglected Baby

I'm lucky I don't have children. Cause if I treated them like I did this blog I would get slapped with child abuse charges. I give all this love and attention posting pictures shamelessly promoting this bundle of joy I created and then I turn cold and unloving. A la Mommie Dearest (No more Wire hangers! No more! Whap! curse you Netflix.) I have great intentions I really do. I would update with pictures I took myself, I'd show the fancy blog design I created, and then I would give you something to laugh about. Sorry. However I can now enlighten you in the joys of running the front desk of mammography. That's right. Boobs. Lots and lots of old lady boobs. Before you think I am a dirty disgusting young man (which I might be) I tell you this I am merely a glorified secretary who never goes behind the door. I merely greet and register and hand out gift bags. See what a college degree gets you? Boobs. Its the American man's dream!

I wish I could tell you that I had a great something happening in my life. The only thing exciting I could share with you is that I have so far tied over 2,000 pink ribbon gift bags for Breast cancer Awareness. What great lesson have I learned from stuffing these gift bags with? Mainly how to get to second base with yourself. Seriously see? This is why I would be a terrible parent. I'm overly fort coming and honest.

Pause for the Blake Got Fat Service announcement:

If you are a woman who has a family history of breast cancer, 40 years old and want to have a romantic but brutal affair with a machine get your mammogram. Breast Cancer is the second cause of death of women. If you truly love yourself get a mammogram. All insurances count it as a preventative screening. Don't have insurance the public health department has vouchers that allow you to get one for 50 dollars! (That's like 4 pints of Java chip frapicinos ice cream!)

Cause Breast Cancer sucks.

Maybe I won't be such terrible parent after all. Cause I'm all about preventive medicine yo.

Or not.

(No more Wire hangers! Whap! Sorry couldn't resist.)

Saturday, October 8, 2011


Emily is an Ironman champion.

10 hours and 41 minutes later taking 12th for her age division she is now an Ironma Kona Champion.

and she's also my sister.

Oh. Also I owe an apology to Tessa. She also went to cheer Emily on too. So its Joey and Tessa cheering her on .

I'm so happy right now.

With or With Out You

Today my sister is going to die.

But she will come back.

Hopefully. At 7:00 am Hawaiian time she will start on final leg of her extraordinary journey. The Ironman Championship. This experience (I can't call it a race because its more than that its a total immersion of body mind and soul.) is something she has been training for her whole entire life. She is ready. She is strong. She is dedicated. And Lord help Joey (her husband) with the aftercare.

Anyone can train for an Ironman (at this time I'm lounging in my bathrobe dealing with a carb hangover) but it takes someone special to do Kona. Kona is reserved for the champions. Only those who have won one before can do it.

And she won. In St George. In her own state on one of the hottest spring days with the red rocks behind her.

This time it will be different. Like all champions she will have to do it alone. Joey will be the only one to cheer her on. There will be no family, no friends, she will have to dig deep within herself to push on. She will have to surrender herself to all of her focus, dedication, and effort.

There are moments that you know will change your life. Change your perception completely on how you view the world. Life pre Iron man and post Iron man. She will give herself away in order to gain something more.

But she can do it. Today I can only send prayers, thoughts, and light in her direction.

To her I can only say this is your moment.

Do or Do not.

There is no try.

But she already knew that.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Shake It Out

I ate another pint of Starbucks Java Chip Frappicinco last night.

I know. I know. I'm not proud of myself either.

What I want to know is what was I looking for at the end of the pint? Happiness? A present?

Ronald McDonald? To make that reference even more obscure the Hamburgler? (Points to you if catch it.)

I started the year at 250 pounds. I ran a marathon and got down to 220. (YAY! Mild obesity! Now going to end the year at the same weight I started it. Fan Freaking Fabulous.) Yet today as I went to get my twin lumps removed from my arm ( I called them Harry and Lloyd.) as I laid there on the table in the lethal injection stance I wanted to cover my fat from the doctor and the resident. Apparently Harry and Lloyd warrented as a "teaching moment". So as I laid there as they talked in their medical jargon I just wanted to disappear in my tossed out Java chip container.

It hasn't been a good couple of months.

Here is my vomit moment of woe. Sorry if you don't wanted to be woeifed remembered you have been warned. I mean it. I'm woeful and I'm liking it. Woe woe woe oh woe is me! Okay I'm good now.

No really I mean it.

Guess I'm going to have to dust off my running shoes. I don't even have a name for my new pair. But am open for suggestions.

Who wants to shake off the jiggle with a little giggle with me? (Almost wet my pants with laughter on that one. Heh. I am funny.) Anybody want to run a half marathon with me?



Beuhler? (Could you blame me?)

Leave me a comment with name suggestions and if you want to shake off the jiggle with a little giggle with me.