If I could describe my first memory it would be the day that my grandpa gave me the gift of flight. In that very plane you see above he took me on a short flight around Ogden. I remember looking out and seeing the world and the sky above me seeing to me the whole world and my grandpa so strong and sure and in control. I didn't realize it at the time but what he was giving me was the chance to see the space I was in from a different perspective. As I've gotten older I use that memory whenever I'm faced with a troubling situation I lift myself above it and look at the problem from a different angle.
As a reformed fat(er) kid I realize that the problems and situations in which I ate my feelings could have been changed if I had looked at the situation from a different angle. It's not easy when trapped by the feelings of self doubt, loathing, and lack of control. As I ford ahead on my third month of the whole 30 x3 I realize that my food issues stem from a feeling of inadequatcy and self doubt. Why is it I have asked myself over and over again the last few months that I can accept the negative words, the judge mental stares, and the hurtful comments about myself, my appearance and my writing but I cannot let the positive words, the encouragement, and the smiles stick to my person. As I was flying home yesterday watching my grandpa do his safety checks and preparing the course to fly us home from Idaho I realized that my morning self check has always been focused on the negative. Focusing on the appearance of what I view as my faults instead of what I find as strengths. To check on how far I've come instead of where I want to go. For too long I've wondered when my life will begin instead of realizing that my life journey has always begun.
Look I hate to sound like Oprah but I'm entering the third part of my life and I'm really ready to just move past the whole negative Debbie downer fat kid stage that I allowed to be in the last five years. I've had enough. Let's just let it go. Tie all those negative thoughts to the invisible ballon strings and release them from us so that we can allow ourselves to have the feeling of flight. I'm ready to be free of the weight pressing down on me. To allow my inner self have a chance to fly as my outer self has.
So there's that.