You know what?
I really hate it when I defeat myself. You know what I mean? Where you are afraid to do something before you actually do it because you are afraid, that you aren't enough, that you because of who you are doomed to live a life of boring mediocrity.
I can't change the past. I would make a lot of money if I could but I can't. My goal, my resolution for this new year is to rise above this feeling of being stuck. There is nothing more than this world wants is us to believe that we aren't able to rise above the conditions that we are currently in. I hate it. I hate that I look at myself and all I see is a fat person. I hate my double chin. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate. It.
Yet I love I ice cream and watching Netflix. *I heart you Green Arrow and Talenti Gelato*
I could say more but why not let Gilda tell you. (Start the video at 1:40) It's got dancing! Singing!
Anyway back to me.
This describes my contradiction perfectly. While I love to pretend to be all look I love to run! I love to exercise! In reality I don't. Yet this last year I did all of these amazing things! I had a hard time enjoying it cause I didn't love myself. Yeah. I said it.
I didn't love myself.
Instead of being like you know what? I'm funny. Don't deny it. You know it's true. I offer a lot to the world. I am an absolutely terrible dancer. Yet people like to watch me dance anyway *I know. They really don't but let's pretend shall we?* So I hit rock bottom. Sometimes you have to. This is the part where I'm suppose to be all Oh! It was terrible! Awful! Yet it's been said and in reality it was too much too little too late for me to go there.
So let's move on.
After a terrible afternoon *I ran out of ice cream and there wasn't anything on Netflix* I was like I have had enough. I'm going to be thirty. I may single. I may be alone but damn it I'm not going to be fat! Let's face it when you get older you are more aware of your bad habits and you have to ask yourself am I okay with this?
I was not.
I was not okay with it. It being fat and feeling stuck in my life.
What did I do? I did my research. I went to therapy. I went to confession. I mediated. I even read O magazine. It was after having so many people in my head that I finally said enough. I have had enough. Then my bishop said something that floored me "You aren't stuck you know. You think you are. But you aren't. There are great things you can do but you have to work to do them you do realize that you will have to work to conquer your own worst enemy which is yourself."
I'm the enemy. Yet I realized that I let evil Blake hold me to the couch. I let him go to the store and buy ice cream. I am the one that instead of telling the truth that I was hurting lied to people and said those magical words "I'm fine" when in reality I wasn't. You can't explain depression to someone else. It's like this inversion you know there is sunlight somewhere but you can't see it and everything is cold and dark. Then if you are lucky a good storm comes and cleans you out and you work hard to avoid the next one. So right now the storm has come and clean me out somewhat.
In a round about way I'm trying to say that I'm here. I'm here. I'm alive and I'm choosing change. I'm choosing to run. I'm choosing to try this p90x business. I'm doing Paleo. I'm trying not to be Delta Dawn (a faded rose from days gone by..sorry random reference) Let's get ourselves unstuck.
Let's do this together. I want you to say this out loud. I'm here. I'm here and I'm changing my faults. I'm doing better today than I was doing yesterday."
This is the Blake-O-Lution. I choose in 2014 that I will love myself more, that I will love myself enough to say no to the things that have the potential to harm me. I will love myself to say no to temptations and if I say yes I will have enough strength to forgive myself. I will have enough love for myself to lose these 70 pounds (that's right I"m 270 pounds! YAY ME!) and I will choose to say yes to life.
Please join me. Let's have mini O-lutions everywhere. All you have to do is put your name then add o-lution after and then you find a goal for yourself.
Viva la Blake-O-Lution!