Softly as I Leave You

Yesterday I had to say good bye to my wonderfully witty beautiful Grandma Dar. 

I took this picture last Thursday on what was suppose to be our weekly date to get her hair done and go to lunch instead I got to learn my last lesson from her. As I sat there in her room holding her hand I thought of all the times I had sat on the same bed and had some of the best conversations of my life. She was the one that taught me that it's best to have a an intimidate relationship with one's bed and I sat there just the two of us feeling her squeeze my hand occasionally. When I was younger I would hold her hand and she would tap her fingers against my palm and I asked her once what it was and she said it was the music in her head. So when she squeezed I knew she was letting me know she was there. 

When people ask me how I'm doing I say what my grandma always said "Great! But not so good" it comes in waves. It's never easy to say goodbye to your best friend. All my memories begin with her. She was someone that I can say who loved me unconditionally. 

We all need a magical friend like my Grandma Dar. She gave me the most wonderful gift of humor and kindness. The world seems a little bit darker and colder without her. I loved to go places with her cause she had this ability to break down people's walls. I had more waitresses talk to her about their lives...yet she always took the time to listen and made them  feel better about themselves. 

As the hours grew longer sitting there I realized that this was the last time I could ever say what she meant to me.  I told her how my life had been changed forever because she had been in my life, I told her she had taught me so much of kindness, of love, and family. I thanked for her healing my heart when life got it damaged. I thanked her for always being there for me.  I thanked her for the laughter. Oh so much laughter. So much of me has been made of what I had learned from her and I know she'll always be with me. She had to to quote Wicked changed my life for the better because I knew her I had been changed for good. 

So this morning when I got the text that she had left this life I couldn't get out of bed. Cause I knew if I got out the bed it would start that for the rest of my life I would live in a world without my wonderful, beautiful, witty best friend. That when I played Sinatra it would only be me singing along to the radio.When I heard a funny story it would only be me laughing. That when I left her house she wouldn't be standing on her front porch waving goodbye till I couldn't see her anymore. I laid there for quite a while. 

Then I made a decision. I got out of bed and decided that I had to face it that though she may be physically gone she was far from being gone in my life. 

Every day I will remind myself that for a brief moment I had a wonderful friend and she was there. 

Goodbye Grandma, 

I'll miss you for the rest of my life.