I decorated. By decorated I mean I got out my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and my Christmas star and called it good. See this is the month in which I will live in three places. Work, School, and my bed. I will wear my Santa footie pajamas but that's as far as I usually get. Christmas is usually the time of year I fall apart. I bring on too much like cookies, pies, cakes, oh and who could forget my favorite ice cream PEPPERMINT BARK (Talenti Gelato I heart you call me k?) and my pants explode, my self esteem crashes, and my VISA screams for mercy.
This year I'm taking on a different approach. I'm going ZEN. I'm going to the dark place known as Oprah land. See if you have ever listened to the prophet Oprah she talks about to listen to your inner voice and what it wants. Since my inner voice has been stuck on one voice screaming FEED ME! FEED ME! EAT ALL THE FEELINGS! MY NAME IS BLAKE AND I'M EMOTIONAL AND I NEED FOOD! SUGARY SWEET DELICIOUS FOOD! Which is fine for the first little bit till the crotch of your pants explode and you have to go home early from work cause you are now indecently exposing yourself. Come for a mammogram and a strip show! Two for one special! Which call me crazy is not the atmosphere my boss is going for.
So I've been working on rehabilitating myself. I decided this time I'm going to say no to the non essential things and stressful situations. I have eaten enough of my feelings to know that if I eat anything more I'm slowly killing myself. Committing suicide with every pint of ice cream, each candy bar, each time I sit there on the couch trying to eat away all the negative pain creating a nice fat shield to the world. I'm a obese person who was destroying my self worth with each bite. And it had to end.
It had to end.
Cause there is new life coming, there are amazing people in my life, and there are wonderful people I haven't met yet. I've ran marathons, I've ran half marathons but I couldn't stop choosing to be miserable about myself. I looked into the mirror and realized that I had stretched myself physically to every limit. My face had no shape, my dimples were swallowed by fat, and my shirts were stretched so tight they looked tube tops threatening to bust off and hit somebody in the eye and through it all I hated myself. I turned every negative comment ever statement about my weight. Someone complaining about the parking lot? It's because I'm fat isn't it! Look I didn't say it was rational. I compared myself to impossible models. Here's my sister the Ironman and her brother the incredible fat man! Watch your children parents cause he just might eat them!
On the darkest day I lay there on the ground praying. Praying for an answer, praying for help, praying for absolution. There was no shining light. There was no heavenly being. Just my voice in a calm whisper that said be honest. Be brutally honest. So I started talking. I talked to my bishop, I talked to my therapist, I talked to my Doctor, I talked to my parents, I talked to my friends, I talked to my co workers about my struggle. Till my friend Stacy pulled me aside and said I've been there. This is what I did and this who I went to and what I did. Side note on Stacy she looks amazing like somebody lit her from the inside. She literally has lit up!
I'm not going to say exactly what I'm doing just yet cause it's embarrassing and painful but it's healthy and I feel more like myself than I have felt in a very very very long time. Hence the return to the blog.
So bare with me. If' I'm being boring please let me know. Let me know what you want me to talk about! Let's start a conversation! Facebook me! Text me! Leave a comment. Instagram me (bfarru8422 is my username.
Here's the cheesy sentimential gooey part.
I warned you.
Turn back if this disgust you.
If you are feeling this way and abusing food I just want you to know you are not alone. It sucks. It doesn't get easier but it gets better if you ask for help. Help is always around you just have to ask for it. Don't be afraid to try. I'm here if you need me.