I Could Keep On Dancing Just For Show..

Its funny when you graduate from college the ceremony is called commencement. Which I found out means a beginning. In a sense when they hand you that lovely diploma cover the powerful university hands you back your life and says go and do something marvelous! Then as a little side note they call you up every six months and go "Hi My name is Julie I'm calling on the behalf of Utah State University your generous donation is late this month is everything okay?"

So if you have noticed lately I've been feeling a little lost. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ I've crash landed in a rather odd land. At the moment I'm clinging to the my little farmhouse swatting at the little people who are trying to help me going Get Me Home! I just want to go home! Yet I know that my yellow brick road is waiting for me. I can see it. I have barely touched it. I haven' t done the big old skip around the circle yet.
I know that my future is very bright and shinny with just a hint of green but I can't seem to get to it. However I realized that two months ago the people I swatted away I've been running back to saying I'm sorry please forgive me. It is crazy navigating this grown up world. So when I have it figured it out I'll keep you posted.

My Stomach Back and There's Going to Be Trouble...

I wrote myself a postcard a couple of months ago when I started this blog and I sent it to myself a few weeks ago with out looking at what I wrote.

" Hey Fatty,
Congrats on starting the blog and making the goal to lose weight! You are going to be awesome! But send this postcard when you gain the weight back, know that you can do this! You are strong! You are wonderful! You are BFU!
Best of Luck! You can do this! "


So.

As you can guess it kinda came back. Today was one of those days when you look at yourself and go yup. I've been using food as an emotional buffer again!



The Bridget Jones Moment:

Weight:220.9
BMI:30.8

Water 3 liters

Breakfast: Handful of fruit and a yoplait 100 calorie yogurt.

Lunch: Junipter Burger with onion rings

Dinner: Scoop of Almond Divinty Ice Cream.

Snacks:
String cheese.

A Piece Of Sky...

Have you ever read a past blog post and gone what in the world was I on when I wrote that one? I did the Wii active this morning (Thanks Stacy! Its awesome!) and I realized that sometimes what we are given are the tools to rearrange your life with. If you can tell lately I have obsessing about how I am stuck in the my old high school self. However As I was skating up Nob hill I realized that I was given Josie Grossie moment.

The chance to get a do over.

Instead of being the husky and boring high school student that I was focused on all the things that were so wrong and depressing in my life I can now be able to be like Look at Me! I'm happy! Yes things haven't changed but my attitude can. A good friend of mine sent me a quote from Elder Wirthlin (Yes here is the Mormon reference in my blog.) "Come What May and Love it." So I am going to try that attitude.

Gain 10 pounds? Bring it on!

Stuck scooping ice cream? What a wonderful way to see the diversity of Ogden City.

Bungalow drama. Well who wouldn't want to live in a soap opera?

All out of TV on DVD? Well I have been meaning to read some informational books.

See it's working already!

Try it today!

I Fall to Pieces...

(I know I know I've used this photo before but I've been lazy. Really lazy.)

This is not a happy post. Just a little warning.

Have you ever felt that you were stuck in a circle of perpetual crazy? The last few days I have been on such a eating bender trying to make myself feel better about my life and where I'm going.

I'm getting frustrated.

That and I'm hot and bothered. I'm ready for the rain.

Cool me down a little.

I took a little spontaneous blogging vacation. I hadn't planned on it but at the moment my life consists of many hours of scooping and little success in getting in the door of where I want to go. Have you ever experienced those moments when you look at where your life is and the dreams you had? How much do you want to hear me carp about the stickiness of my arms? Cause at the moment the are really sticky so sticky that in fact I put my arms down on the table and got stuck.

Picture me trying to lift my arms off the table.

Grunting.

Straining.

Moaning.

A little whimper.

Great cardio workout though.


I'm not going to lie. I thought that I had mastered the whole sugary cravings and was eating so well when my emotions took a nose dive and I rediscovered the wonders of all the blackness that truly lies inside the freezer section of a grocery store. I eat to fill the void inside. Isn't that sad?

I eat to hide my shame.

I eat for that moment when I get to feel full instead of empty.

Like all addicts though you hate yourself more when you have been skinny cause now you have the memory of what it felt like to be fit and happy. Yet I went to the gym. It made me feel better.

Just a little.

There is hope.

Stick with me.

WHEE! FIREWORKS!

So this weekend was quite the blur.

Lets start out with Saturday.

I have decided that Saturday afternoon's at Farr Better Ice Cream has taught me that people are really quite rude when it comes to getting their sinfully delicious ice cream. After six intense hours of saying "Well yes Sir I understand your frustration that we are out of Waffle cones but we do have four different options and looking at your stomach you probably would benefit from our no sugar added line..." or "Ma'm please put down the napkin holder I understand that you drove down all the way from Alaska to get some Playdough Ice Cream but we are currently out of it. So step away from the bin take a deep breath and hand over the napkin holder please.."

But thankfully time eventually does go on and I was able to leave at five.

When I got a interesting phone call.

Would I like to crash a wedding?

Would I?

Why Yes I would!

So off I went to Millcreek canyon to go to the wonderful restaurant called Log Haven. (Have you ever been there?) So after siting in the civic and driving half way to Provo I finally found the entrance to Millcreek canyon. So I drive up ever so slowly wondering where in the world I was going. As I take twist and turns finally discovering a lovely restaurant called Millcreek Restaurant with a wedding going on and miracles of miracles a parking spot. (I'm late at this point in case you are wondering) Rushing in there looking like I had been at sea for months I was quietly handed a glass of wine from the bartender and told to stand on the back cause I was right in the middle of the wine toast. Standing there vainly looking for my dear friends and cheering this happy couple I quietly but urgently asked the bartender if this was Log Haven? He laughed and said it was a mile up the road. Quickly toasting my glass and handing it back to the very nice bartender I ran to my car.

So to Rachel and Tim I hope you have a wonderful life. If anybody knows them tell them it was me who wrote the very nice description in their wedding scrapbook.

Jumping in the civic I tore out the parking lot with the gravel flying out behind me I finally made it to Log Haven. Where the nice Valet man flagged me down and said "Blake hurry!" How he knew me I had no idea. So literally throwing my keys at the poor man I ran up the stairs met Courtney who had been waiting for me. After a quick clean up in the bathroom I enjoyed a very nice dinner (30 dollar a plate! Better than a salad any old day..)

And proceeded to crash another wedding.

So if anybody needs a wedding date call me!

You Aren't Sorry

Words Words Words Words

Words. Words. Words. Words.

Words Words Words


We use words as source of emotional warfare. We say them to comfort ourselves when we aren't living up to standards

So we lie to families

We lie to the neighbors
sometimes we lie
cause we like the sound of them.
But sadly

we lie to ourselves all the time.

Like when I ate a whole half gallon of ice cream.

Then went to the store and bought another one.

Then I lied and said I went to the gym afterwords.

but I actually laid on the couch.

watching desperate housewives.

Maybe I should stop saying Sorry.

And let my actions speak louder

than my WORDS.

Cause words without power

have no strength

and become fat and flabby.

weak and sad.

But words have the ability to heal too.

Simple ones usually do the trick

Hello

I'm with you

Let me help

You make me proud

since I am (and you are too) all children

instead of glaring and looking for faults

we should look for the good.

Lets use the good WORDS.

And I Want To Thank You...

So lately I have been regressing a little bit in my maturity level. Lately I have been stuck in the late 90's and early 2000's as far as music and sayings. For example when I was working last night at the Farr's when somebody expressed their undying love for Playdough ice cream. Ordinarily I just give that big fake "Oh how nice smile" while secretly I mock them. (I'm a bitter ice cream scooper what can I say?) before I could stop myself I found myself saying If you like it so much why don't you marry it?

Another example. I have discovered the joyous wonder of the wonderful artist Dido. Though her name has a certain naughty qualities which we won't discuss cause this is a family environment. Anyway back to the main focus of the is post I just wanted to say thank you to all the awesome readers out here who take time out their busy workdays to read about my addictions to food, my strange obsession with ABBA (I know it scares me too) and the love struck Spanish mixer. Through it all you have been here. I thank you for telling your friends.

Sappy I know.

But sometimes I just have to say it.

Take that Ride...

Sometimes you look at pictures and go what in the world was I thinking?

But that's not the point of this post.After writing the last post I was seriously thinking of throwing the is whole Blake Got Fat project in the dumpster and start fresh with my new new love Mint Chocolate Ice Cream. However she's like a crack whore always trying to score another hit and I realized that no matter what I gave her she would would leave me for some other sugar daddy. (I don't know where this crap comes from but go with it.)

I realize that weight loss and forging a new identity is rather frustrating (like those facebook quizzes they just suck you in and then you realize that you are not the Michal Jackson Song you thought you were) After a rather explosive night at the bungalow and finishing off a half of a half gallon I realized that this wasn't really a healthy way to deal with my frustration. You can eat a lot of food but until you focus on what's really bothering you, its a lot of lonely nights in front of the television with Desperate housewives (or your soap opera of your choice).

I threw away the self medication and wrote this blog post.

I've heard the the withdrawal symptoms can be a real downer. So it might be 2 episodes of season four of desperate housewives tonight instead of one. With the fridge nicely padlocked.

There was A Time..

For the last couple of weeks I have been going through a really rough patch or in Oprahneses "creating a new normal". If you have been following lately you notice the lack of the Bridget Jones Moment and the lack of the terms of exercise, Mamma Mia, and the true reason why you stop by to see the fat drenched pictures of me laying on the floor dying.

In all things on this blog I have striven for honesty.So here is me being honest. I've gotten back in a bad cycle again with food. At the moment I am fighting the urge to finish off the half gallon of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. Since it is currently 11:34 pm I don't really want to call anyone and bug them so I am blogging this. A weird version of Over eater's anonymous perhaps?

When I started this a good friend said that food was like any addiction. When stressed or challenged we often return back to negative behaviors. Boy is that true.

Who ever said keeping fit and skinny was easy was never fat or paid somebody a lot of money to guarantee that they would never get that way again.

Stay posted.

This is merely a setback.

Not the end.

Promise.

Think of Me

I gave myself the day off yesterday from the wonderful world of Blake Got Fat, because being as awesome as I am sometimes you just have to give yourself a break in order to humble yourself low enough to gain something to blog about or to put it in laymans terms I was strung out like a junkie watching Desperate Housewives.

Before the phone calls come in lambasting me for not applying for jobs give me a chance to defend myself.I am a die hard Grey's fan. I mean like Thursday night 8pm you do not bother me,do not call me and this is the only time in which I have been known to merely point to the tv and ignore the person talking to me. Yet the day after the fourth of July I was laying in the bungalow dying from a very patriotic version of food poisoning and in my moment of desperate need of entertainment thus I dusted off the first season and was hooked. Can you blame me? I have so little to live for at the moment. From the Mary Alice shocker to the hostage situation at the Grocery store I am utterly hooked.

Looks like my Sunday nights just got more interesting.

Racing in the Streets...

Forest Gump always said life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you are going to get. As absurd and strangely fitting as that saying is I believe that it is a little flawed. Life is not chocolates but rather like a box of doughnuts. Where Forrest was talking about the inner soul people we meet in our lives I however believe more in the superficial outlook. We are doughnuts. Round and with a little variation of glazes we are all the same.

Deep I know.

Can you believe it only took me 25 years to come up with that conclusion?

Oh Say Can You See...

For some people it is known when the month of July has arrived in Utah. It is the month of the fight of the Patriotic t-shirts at Old Navy. The slight sigh of desperation coming from mothers realizing that school will not start for another month and like a diabetic sugar level after eating a pixie stick (blue is my favorite) a sudden spike in heat descends upon us. For others it is the dilemma do you go to the Days of 47 parade or watch it on television with the AC blasting upon you?

Yet for me July means something different.

It announces the holy mecca of professional cycling.

The Tour De France.

Yes. While others smile in matching fourth of July t-shirts and fight to stave off boredom I watch the tour. When I was younger I used to despise the tour for the mere sake of driving my father nuts it seemed that July was the month the momma took a vacation and left the princess and I in the care of my father. Normally after the fun actives and interesting places my father took us (miniature horse show anyone?) The princess and I would have free access to the forbidden fruit.

Cable Television. Oh how we feasted on the wonders of "You can't say that on Television, Hey Dude, Salute My Shorts and Double Dare. We would come home on would go the Sony and my dad would get some down time. That would change come the month of July. That's when we would race home to watch the latest stage as it was broadcast over to the states. In this P.L period (Pre Lance) it was awkward to explain to my friends who watched baseball with their fathers the wonders and thrilling excitement of the Tour.

For me instead of awkward photos and long parades July equals the excitement of a bicycle race, in those harrowing climbing stages to the triumphant cross to the finish line in Paris that is how I know it is July.

This is part of the big secret that I announced a couple of days ago.

Some highlights of what is coming to Blake Got Fat.

The return of the Bridget Jones Moment.

The slow reveal of the big secret.

Get Excited!

We Go On Hurting Each Other..

Why is it that I have fallen in love with such a sinful treat? I keep on telling myself when I walk past it at the grocery store that I need to just walk on by and pay no attention to it like Heidi and Spencer Pratt just pretend it doesn't exist and eventually it will go away.

Well its been two pints (or two weeks) later and I'm still hooked. Do they have a twelve step program for Java Chip Frap Ice Cream lovers? Cause either its time for me to have a self intervention or check myself into ice cream rehab. This is a serious matter. I find myself sneaking a bite here and there through an episode of Desperate Housewives, job searching, and dare I say it telephone calls?

I'm a terrible person.

But if you add sprinkles to this sinfully delicious treat. Oh Heaven.

Sweet delicious sinfully heaven.

We All Need Pills to Sleep at Night..

Why this photo? Because I need to take some new photos that's why. That and who doesn't need a sexy pin up for their computer screen? I mean we all need a little something sexy to get our engines going when ever we turn on the computer. So feel free to copy and paste it for your back ground on your computer. I won't tell anybody. It will be our little secret. Like that time when you promised yourself "just one bite" and proceeded to eat a whole pint of Haagan Daz ice cream.

I won't tell.

Cause sometimes having a secret is what gets us going through the day. I don't trust people who claim to live a completely honest life. For some reason they are the ones I find on the Channel Five news broadcast admitting to having an affair.

But often there are the secrets so juicy, so scandalous that when they are exposed we often don't know what to do with them. We feign ignorance or mild surprise but in reality it shocks down to our very core. We don't know how to respond.

So we pretend we don't see it.

Yes sometimes its good for the soul to have a few secrets stashed away inside to use as emotional currency to use for ourselves and to give away to others when the time is right. But often when those secrets get revealed before it is time is when the real problems start.

I have a good one.

But its not time to reveal it yet.

Can you guess what it is?

Here's a hint.

It's going to shock you.