Stompa

I woke up with a bit of rage in my heart. 

For the third morning in a row my i-pod has played song of death to me to get me out of bed. I was once in love with this song. In the warm summer months I would drop the top on Bertie and do the whole head bob oh I'm so cool dance in my car seat dance (aka I looked like I was having a seizure) and I would turn it up when ever it came on.

Till this morning. 

"When you are ready come and get it...When you are ready come and get it when you ready....nanannananan"  So all day when I was checking in PT's the tech would come grab a patient in my head I'd go When you readdyyyy till that moment it slipped out of my mouth. 

I said it out loud. 

Whoops. Well that made someone's day I hope. 

You know what else is embarrassing? Singing it at the top of you lungs while you sit in the parking lot trying to convince yourself that you are a strong confident person and everybody is going to be nice to you! NANANNAANANa COME AND GET IT! 

See. 

Such anger Selena. Look what thou hast created. 

I hope you are happy. 

Come and get it. 

Indeed.  

I Came in like a Freaking Wrecking Ball

I think I have a problem. This evening when I was being domestic making dinner I was putting things away in the tupperware containers when I came to the sad realization. That all my containers were the Cake Make Rainbow Sprinkles variety. 

Oh boy. 

I love my sprinkles. I love them in my ice cream. In my yogurt and when I was on a serious food bender I would make the cotton candy cake mix from Betty Crocker and throw in the sprinkles and eat the dough. Dinner of champions. 

However my favorite way to have them is to buy a container of Greek God's Honey Yogurt and mix equal parts sprinkles and mini chocolate chips in it's heavenly creamy goodness. Oh sweet charity. 

As I stood there in the kitchen I thought of those hot summer nights hidden in my den watching hours upon hours of Netflix and eating container after container of yogurt and sprinkles. When I would finish a container I would sneak out and buy more. I had to have it. It was what I lived for. 

Driving to the store with the roof down and realizing that I was so lost that I didn't have a way out. The yogurt didn't judge. The sprinkles added colors to the dull grey that had become my life. Eventually you become so numb to every feeling but the desire to fill the hole inside yourself.  

Give me sprinkles or give me death was my motto. I would actually get giddy when the damn things were on sale 2 for four dollars! Buy them all! I traveled with them in my luggage the secret security. That my magic sprinkles could take me away. Take me to some where better. In stead of the harsh reality that I was in. 

Then one day I walked into my trusty Smith Food King and they were sold out. Gone. Zilch. No more sprinkles. If you ever want to see a fat grown  man cry take away his drug. I stood there in dumb shock that they were gone and I realized in that moment that I had a problem. That my sprinkles had turned me into a freaking wrecking ball shape. My carpet hid little remains of smashed colored wax my chairs had them on the seats of the chairs.  So I quit cold turkey. Walked out of the store drying my eyes. I was like Scarlett O Hara I was never going to have sprinkles again. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is my name is Blake and for a brief moment I had a glorious affair with Cake Make Rainbow Sprinkles. It's been 30 days and I'm finally sprinkles free. 

Every day is a constant battle. I want to slip back in my old habits. Yet I know if I do the Sprinkles win. 

I wish I knew how to quit you Sprinkles. 

Here Comes Santa

Fa-la-la

I decorated. By decorated I mean I got out my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and my Christmas star and called it good. See this is the month in which I will live in three places. Work, School, and my bed. I will wear my Santa footie pajamas but that's as far as I usually get. Christmas is usually the time of year I fall apart. I bring on too much like cookies, pies, cakes, oh and who could forget my favorite ice cream PEPPERMINT BARK (Talenti Gelato I heart you call me k?) and my pants explode, my self esteem crashes, and my VISA screams for mercy. 

This year I'm taking on a different approach. I'm going ZEN. I'm going to the dark place known as Oprah land. See if you have ever listened to the prophet Oprah she talks about to listen to your inner voice and what it wants. Since my inner voice has been stuck on one voice screaming FEED ME! FEED ME! EAT ALL THE FEELINGS! MY NAME IS BLAKE AND I'M EMOTIONAL AND I NEED FOOD! SUGARY SWEET DELICIOUS FOOD!  Which is fine for the first little bit till the crotch of  your pants explode and you have to go home early from work cause you are now indecently exposing yourself.   Come for a mammogram and a strip show! Two for one special! Which call me crazy is not the atmosphere my boss is going for. 

So I've been working on rehabilitating  myself. I  decided this time I'm going to say no to the non essential things and stressful situations. I have eaten enough of my feelings to know that if I eat anything more I'm slowly killing myself. Committing suicide with every pint of ice cream, each candy bar, each time I sit there on the couch trying to eat away all the negative pain creating a nice fat shield to the world. I'm a obese person who was destroying my self  worth with each bite. And it had to end. 

It had to end. 

Cause there is new life coming, there are amazing people in my life, and there are wonderful people I haven't met yet. I've ran marathons, I've ran half marathons but I couldn't stop choosing to be miserable about myself. I looked into the mirror and realized that I had stretched myself physically to every limit. My face had no shape, my dimples were swallowed by fat, and my shirts were stretched so tight they looked tube tops  threatening to bust off and hit somebody in the eye and through it all I hated myself. I turned every negative comment ever statement about my weight. Someone complaining about the parking lot? It's because I'm fat isn't it! Look I didn't say it was rational. I compared myself to impossible models. Here's my sister the Ironman and her brother the incredible fat man! Watch your children parents cause he just might eat them! 

On the darkest day I lay there on the ground praying. Praying for an answer, praying for help, praying for absolution.  There was no shining light. There was no heavenly being. Just my voice in a calm whisper that said be honest. Be brutally honest. So I started talking. I talked to my bishop, I talked to my therapist, I talked to my Doctor, I talked to my parents, I talked to my friends, I talked to my co workers about my struggle. Till my friend Stacy pulled me aside and said I've been there. This is what I did and this who I went to and what I did. Side note on Stacy she looks amazing like somebody lit her from the inside. She literally has lit up!

I'm not going to say exactly what I'm doing just yet cause it's embarrassing and painful but it's healthy and I feel more like myself than I have felt in a very very very long time. Hence the return to the blog. 

So bare with me. If' I'm being boring please let me know. Let me know what you want me to talk about! Let's start a conversation! Facebook me! Text me! Leave a comment. Instagram me  (bfarru8422 is my username. 

Here's the cheesy sentimential gooey part. 

I warned you. 

Turn back if this disgust you. 

If you are feeling this way and abusing food I just want you to know you are not alone. It sucks. It doesn't get easier but it gets better if you ask for help. Help is always around you just have to ask for it. Don't be afraid to try.  I'm here if you need me. 

XOXO 

B   

I'll Sail My Ship Alone

Is there nothing better than a great pair of sweat pants? They don't judge they expand with you and most importantly they keep you warm! Plus the rattier they are the more comfortable they are. Today I was suppose to be productive! I have laundry, cleaning, shopping, and decorating to do. Yeah none of those things happened. Now don't get me wrong this morning I woke up wrote for an hour made breakfast went for a hike came home got my laundry together and then well my mom and grandma took me to lunch. How does one say no to free food? I don't! Festus needs to eat!

Afterwards my couch was like hey there cowboy and before I knew it I was wrapped up in a comforter watching one of my favorite movies of all time. Bed knobs and Broomsticks! You thought I was going to say Pete's Dragon didn't you? There may or may not have been a nap involved the details are a bit hazy. Anyway I then started reading my book. It's been so long since I've had the freedom to just read a book and not feel guilty. Then I felt a little productive and found my ugg slippers that were hiding underneath the bed (best present ever Elm!) and then there were really strange noises coming from the hallway so I decided to block the door with a chair and stay in. At the moment my apartment is so messy that if somebody doesn't have the secret map memorized they are gonna get attacked by laundry, running shoes, and Christmas decorations. 

Yeah it's that bad. 

So everything gets pushed to tomorrow. I hope. Other wise somebody better call Hoarders or send the Merry Maids. I'd prefer the merry maids. Hint hint! 

So that was my super Saturday hope yours was just as adventerous!

It's Not Easy

Just a little note,

This is one of my favorite songs.

The other day I was sitting at lunch with my co-workers and they were kibitzing about their husbands about the various things they were unhappy with. Since all I have in my life at the moment is a a mixer in love with the toaster the love life of Blake has been rather dry at the moment, no wait a moment there's Festus now so things are looking up.

Anyway...as I sat there listening to these complaints and I thought you know it's not easy to be married to someone different but it's not easy to find some one who cares but oh how nice it must be sometimes. Thanksgiving afternoon,  I was sitting there in my Grandma Dar's Kitchen sitting with my Grandma who was dozing on my shoulder and I thought this is what life is about having someone who don't always have to have a conversation with but you can hold their hand and I sat there seeing what the love of my Grandparents created. A family they together worked as a team and they argued and agreed with each other and it wasn't easy to share someone's else dream but as my Grandma slept it made sense for me what we are really here for.  Not to have material possessions but to just have someone by your side . Someone who cares for you and say those magic words I'm sorry. I get it now. It's not easy.

Yet it's a lot easier when you have someone at your side.


So yes it might not be easy but oh how lucky people are to have someone at that level. So do me a favor at the start of this Christmas Season treasure your relationships with your family, your friends, and if you are married take a moment to just say thanks. Thank them for being in your life. It's so easy to do. Thank them when things get hard. Thank them for making things easier. Thank them for being in your life. As the stress mounts this season just remember it's not easy to find some one who cares.


So say it. Say thanks.

You'll find its Easy.

Thanks.

B

You Don't Know the Half of it Blues

I hope you had a great holiday yesterday. I think my fat pants exploded. I'm so grateful for my Aunt Pam, my mom, my Aunt Jill and my Aunt Gail (who did a very nice job on the table)  for making it a wonderful thanksgiving! So in the spirit of things lets me get to some exciting news shall we?

I have some very exciting news! I've been sitting on this for a while but it's come to the point that I have to share with you all.

I'm pregnant.

With a food baby. 

Named Festus. I named him Festus because there were so many festive and not so festive occasions that created him.  He's due in March. So I just wanted to share him with y'all.

Please be kind he's very sensitive and I'm working on getting ready to release him in the world.

Angels We Have Heard on High

Why yes I am thanks for asking. Being a grown up sucks. You get fat, your hair falls out, and you have all these things that are demanding that you pay them like bills. So rude. I want a refund. Or at least the freedom to have a thirty second dance party at my desk and not hear a mammo princess go "Oh Agnes look at that boy truffle shuffle!" 

This is the season in which we are suppose to be grateful and more forgiving to each other and love each other yet when your hand is shoved up a turkey's hind quarters yanking out guts and gizzards your ability to love mankind gets severely tested.  However yesterday when I went to Costco I became the most popular person ever! Walking around waiting for my prescription to be filled it seemed as if a spot light had been turned on me! Everyone wanted to know where certain items were. Since I consider myself Costco literate one would be stretching the truth if they called me a Costco expert. That belongs to those who drive mini vans bless their hearts.  

Then the truth hit. 

I was the loser who forgot to take off his name badge. There goes my Costco popularity. They thought I just worked there. Oh well it was fun while it lasted.

If one is to be grateful can I just say one thing? I'm grateful for that moment when you come home get in your fat pants (don't judge) crawl into bed get yourself all cozy and fall asleep. Oh! The joys of turning on the netflix and finding a show you love but haven't seen in forever (I'm looking at you White Chicks "she's going to have a BF" which so describes my job on so many levels) or my absolutely favorite thing ever and curling up on the couch with a good book and finding out it's a series that's finished! Let me explain I start so many great books find out they are a series but the author is taking their sweet time finishing and I spend months to years anguishing rereading and then oh wait the author dies! I'm looking at you Robert Jordan! 

Now to begin my favorite holiday! The only requirement is to eat! Something I'm good at! 

Might have to upgrade the fat pants...