Love at the Five and Dime

Oh boy.

Goodness you think I died or something about the lack of post. Well deary ducks I went off to live my life a little bit and now since I"m broke and work is getting busy its time to fill you in on where and what I have been doing.

So lets start with races shall we?

I did the Striders Half, The Big Sur 21 miler, The Ogden Half, and The Brigham City half. I found the most amazing running pal Kaityln who helped me in so many ways this racing season! The high light was the Big Sur 21 miler, but that's another post for another day.

Then I decided after I hung up my shoes it was time to travel. So I went to Sea Ranch California, St. George then off to Monterey CA, St. George again to cheer the Princess during the half iron man, St. Louis MO, then to Maui HI, then off to Durango Colorado, and then back to San Francisco. It was gloriously fun but then you start longing for home so I'm home for little while. I have the messy house and laundry to prove I went somewhere.

After two years of being the face of mammography I've decided to become an ASL interpreter  (American Sign Language) I have a terrible time with other languages. In high school I passed Spanish by providing the ice cream to the various class fiestas and  also learned about how to brokerage back room deals.

So I have lots pictures, lots of new characters to introduce and of course more kibitzing about how on earth I got so fat.

Its going to be a wonderful Sept.

Xoxo

B

Zip

As the prostitute once said "It's not the work it's the stairs". Thus another line I want embossed on my tombstone. At the rate I'm going my tombstone is going to be the size of the Washington monument. - this has no relation to this post other than it make me laugh.

I got the absolutely worst thing pop up on my Facebook timeline.

I mean the worst.

One of those things that makes you makes you go to bed with a cold compress and turn off the phone. Where you call in sick to work and stay in your fat pants and call for delivery for your meals.

It's time for my ten year high school reunion.

What genius came up with that idea?

I mean I have Facebook I know who got fat, who went to rehab, and who died. Can't we all just glance at each others pictures in the privacy of our own homes with out going through those awkward conversations and panicked glances of desperation?

Now don't get me wrong I did have some truly amazing moments and friends in high school but to be honest I went to school with some tremendously horrid people that I do not want to have to deal with ever again.

I'd much rather donate my money to a literary program than listen to some bore prattle on about how in a drunken moment of passion he knocked up someone and now being a parent is a truly marvelous thing. Or I got my doctorate in I'm better than you at Berkley oh and what are you doing with your life...oh you are working the mammography front desk how provincial. I will be the one at the refreshment table inhaling cookies and praying for the moment when I can go home and put on my fat pants (It will be summer so scratch that shorts.) and trying to be witty and funny. I'm already praying they will have good cookies.

Oh yes. Its coming.

I'm not emotionally strong enough to go back to that mind cluster of fun.

Yet its okay. Really.

I'll help in anyway that I can. I will contact people  if they haven't heard. Sure why not? I've got the time at work.

Why not?

It might be enjoyable.

Either way y'all are going to hear about it.

Running to Stand Still

There are sweaters.

and then there are sweaters. 

This one spoke to me. It said yes I know I am hideous but I am warm and you are cold. I saw it at the Paul Bunyan thrift shop in Fort Bragg California. It was suppose to be a lovely 60 degree day yet when we got there a cold fog came rolling in off the ocean. 

Hence the emergency. 

I believe my exact words were I'm so freaking cold that if I don't get a sweat shirt or something I'm going die!  I may be a titch melodramatic. I may argue with you but in reality you are probably right. 

But anyway back to the sweater. 

Isn't it pretty? 

I like it. I have the feeling though that this will be one of those sweaters that will vanish as soon as I get married. Poof! Its okay though. Its so beautiful that I know it will find new life somewhere and I'm going to enjoy it while I still have it. I do have one issue though when I wear it I seem to channel Bill Cosby playing Fat Albert "HEY HEY HEY" its not pretty and numerous people have asked me to stop. Yet I can't. 

The sweater won't let me. 

Another accomplishment of this sweater is that I will be able to finally claim hipster status. 

Its all I ever wanted. 

Anyone Can Whistle

This was the summer in which it seemed that world was on fire.

Strange how a fire starts. A small amount of combustible fuel sparks to life and in a matter of moments strikes the dry matter and becomes a roaring fire. 

When your mountains are on fire you don't have time to think. 

Fire is alive. A beast seeking fuel and oxygen seeking to rebirth and destroy all at once. 

It moves faster than lighting. 

Fire can not be contained until it is denied the basics of life when in its passionate moments it loses fuel, loses air and loses space it then slowly loses it raging power to become a smoldering ember. 

If I had only known that while the physical world was on fire burning the mountains and the fields little did I know that my world was going up in flames as well. 

Sad isn't it? 

That you can always trace the fire back to its place of origin. A cigarette fire spreads out from its point of origin in some cases the fire marshall can find the cigarette in which started the fire. 

My spark came from one simple sentence

"You are loved". 

This spark came to me at a Target. 

In the middle of frozen food section between the ice cream and frozen pizzas. 

As if my spiritual radio was tuned in for just a minute to the glorious spiritual world that exists within ours, the one that connects us to our true selves. 

I understand now how a lighting fire starts on a dry mountain plain. A dry storm of clouds and angry matter mixing in the sky, the wind blowing and in a moment of clarity a flash of lighting strikes the ground and instead of rain to heal it brings fire to scorch and burn away the top layer of earth. 

I stood there between the ice cream and the frozen pizzas feeling myself start to burn and while holding my Kashi Pizza I began to cry. Not the gentle tears they show in the inspirational videos but rather the ugly deep gut wrenching cry that burns away any chance that you are a regular person buying food at a Target super center. 

All I could do was keep breathing adding fuel to the fire. 

Looking like an idiot with a pint of Haagan Daz in one hand and a Kashi Frozen pizza in another. 

Realizing that when your inner world is on fire you have no words, no action, no reaction to stop it like all fires you can stand there foolishly and let the fire engulf you or you can run and hope to survive. 

Putting my food in my cart the sudden paralyzing feeling in my body released me and I could move. Apparently I was choosing to survive.  

Walking with purpose I went to the cashier station as fast as I could avoiding all stares of my fellow shoppers see someone violate the Target code as one does not simply cry at a Target unless they are 5 years old or there is an amazing clearance and even then you need to keep your self together. 

Little did I know that the spark was about become fire.   

And that fire was going to destroy all that I held dear. 

Prayers of Thanksgiving

When people ask me how I am doing I simply quote Roseanne Roseannadanna. Sorry for the shortness of post but really. What can I say? I'm a really attractive guy.


Hope you have a great holiday!

Rescue Me

It's been three weeks and I can still remember the night when the noise came back. It came suddenly without any foreshadowing or warning. One day it didn't exist and the next there it was.
I have been ashamed to admit this but I am Post Traumatic Fan Disorder survivor. They say you can move past this that you have to find purpose in your life again. All I want is a night of quiet sleep. One where a noise doesn't haunt me. I feel as if fan lady slapped me with some noise voodoo. Whomever I have angered in life I'm sorry. Please make the noise stop.
I have a month left in my lease. If anybody knows of a quiet peaceful apartment I would be ever so grateful!

When October Goes

(This is my version of my 30 days of thankfulness that's clogging my news feed on Facebook.)

There are moments when you lay on your floor with music playing and you take a deep breath and you realize  that in this brief moment you are the youngest and the oldest you are ever going to be in life. What has happened has happened. What will happened is yet to be determined. Where I've been in the moment. I've been on my knees with a hack saw cutting off the chains of the actions of my past. I've been stretching my arms upward to grasp up to the dreams I placed on the shelf years ago and in the current moment I am laying here and I'm thankful for this present moment.

I lay here with my hands on my chest feeling them go up and down breath going in and out of my lungs each one a subtle reminder of that I am the product of amazing planning and fore thought. I am am the answer to the wonderful combination of the spiritual and the physical bodies combined. As I lay here in the twilight the melding of the day and the night watching the shadows stretch further in this moment I'm watching life go on.

As I lay here wrestling with demons of my past I realize that there is nothing I can do to change it. Actions have been done, I have reacted, been reacted on, and I have experienced all those memories once. What was once a noisy crowd of memories crashing over me, I've had to let them crush me with the all of their weight all of their sadness, all of the representations of what might have been, and allowed myself to wallow in the pain of all their sadness.

 In this moment I am here in the purple light the perfect combination of shadow and light. I realize that my body loves me and I love it. I realize in this moment this body is the place of where my soul lies. This is the place that will always be my home. I carry my heart and my home with me at all times. The physical body carries me on and in the moment now I am at rest.

With one more deep breath I exhale watching the purple twilight turn into the inky blackness of night. Slowly but surely the planets and the stars begin igniting the night. I have no idea what my future holds. I have no plan now. I have no written shopping list of inspirational quotes of "Families Together Forever" or "I didn't say it would be easy but I said it would be worth it." I know that my future only holds one word. Forgiveness. Forgiveness for the things I've done, Forgiveness for this moment, and Forgiveness for the things I will do. My future holds the combination of light and dark. The metaphor of twilight. The melding of brightness and darkness. The marriage of light and dark.

Truth be told I can only do my best and I've fallen. I've sunk so low and I've flown high and finally I have found the middle. The middle of emotion and thought where the noise of the past and the panic of the future are at the moment silenced.

In this moment I am alive and I am grateful for it. In this moment the word is gratitude. So with every breath I release these words

Thankful.

Humble.

Beautiful.

Glory.

Love.

Desire.

For November it all  comes back to one word. Gratitude. Gratitude for the things I have been given, for the things taken away, and the things coming. Gratitude for the people who enter my life stay awhile and fly away. It's always so and it always will be.

When the time is right I will fly away and somebody else will come and take my place. Before I go I want to say that I am grateful.

Grateful for this wonderful past, for this glorious present and what the future holds.

Here and now I am thankful.