Softly as I Leave You

Yesterday I had to say good bye to my wonderfully witty beautiful Grandma Dar. 

I took this picture last Thursday on what was suppose to be our weekly date to get her hair done and go to lunch instead I got to learn my last lesson from her. As I sat there in her room holding her hand I thought of all the times I had sat on the same bed and had some of the best conversations of my life. She was the one that taught me that it's best to have a an intimidate relationship with one's bed and I sat there just the two of us feeling her squeeze my hand occasionally. When I was younger I would hold her hand and she would tap her fingers against my palm and I asked her once what it was and she said it was the music in her head. So when she squeezed I knew she was letting me know she was there. 

When people ask me how I'm doing I say what my grandma always said "Great! But not so good" it comes in waves. It's never easy to say goodbye to your best friend. All my memories begin with her. She was someone that I can say who loved me unconditionally. 

We all need a magical friend like my Grandma Dar. She gave me the most wonderful gift of humor and kindness. The world seems a little bit darker and colder without her. I loved to go places with her cause she had this ability to break down people's walls. I had more waitresses talk to her about their lives...yet she always took the time to listen and made them  feel better about themselves. 

As the hours grew longer sitting there I realized that this was the last time I could ever say what she meant to me.  I told her how my life had been changed forever because she had been in my life, I told her she had taught me so much of kindness, of love, and family. I thanked for her healing my heart when life got it damaged. I thanked her for always being there for me.  I thanked her for the laughter. Oh so much laughter. So much of me has been made of what I had learned from her and I know she'll always be with me. She had to to quote Wicked changed my life for the better because I knew her I had been changed for good. 

So this morning when I got the text that she had left this life I couldn't get out of bed. Cause I knew if I got out the bed it would start that for the rest of my life I would live in a world without my wonderful, beautiful, witty best friend. That when I played Sinatra it would only be me singing along to the radio.When I heard a funny story it would only be me laughing. That when I left her house she wouldn't be standing on her front porch waving goodbye till I couldn't see her anymore. I laid there for quite a while. 

Then I made a decision. I got out of bed and decided that I had to face it that though she may be physically gone she was far from being gone in my life. 

Every day I will remind myself that for a brief moment I had a wonderful friend and she was there. 

Goodbye Grandma, 

I'll miss you for the rest of my life. 

Get happy

Welcome to week 2 of the Blake-O-lution. I've lost 3 pounds. YAY says the single person in the audience. So what have I learned this last week? Well first of all that 4:30 in the morning is not pretty no matter how hard you try it's still ugly. However the price of not having people see my man boobs flying all over the place? Priceless. 

I'm trying something new this time. I'm doing double workouts on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I run at 4:30 am on Monday and Wednesday and Saturday I do my long run while still doing p90x at night. I know I know but I've always wanted to see if I could do it. It's been three weeks since my last coke and mocha chiller. I miss them daily but at night when I finally collapse in bed too sore to move I fall right to sleep. I've fallen in love with my fitbit. It buzzes me when I've sat too long on Pinterest excuse me I mean work. 

I'm choosing to be happy in life. For too long I was focused on what was wrong, how depressing my life was, how boring, how fat, how tired, how it was all too much. Living with depression is so debilitating cause some days making it through a whole day of work felt like I had ran a marathon. However each morning I give my self 10 minutes of what I call spiritual reflection. I read something positive or I watch a brief clip of one of my favorite comedians and I try to think of all the positive things or things that I'm struggling with but working toward. When I run now I sing to my i-pod *I've got the eye of the tiger...and you gonna hear me ROAR* and I don't care what people think. It's taken me 29 years to finally realize that I have been given a lot and I should be grateful for what I have and not what I want. Want is so dangerous cause it consumes us to ignoring what we already have. 

They say week 2 is the hardest. I believe them. It's hard to change! I miss being lazy! However I don't miss not feeling stuck so hey I will take it. Things are getting better. I'm getting better. I'm gonna make it after all!

Throws hat in air and scene. 

Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

Oh good gracious are my legs are on fire.  There is something about waking up early though and going for a run (even if it's on a treadmill at 4:30 in the morning)  and moving your body. This morning I was running and there was nobody in my rock star gym so I brought in my little Charlie's Angel's speaker box (Hello Angels!) and I plugged in my running i-pod  and got the party started. Since I'm trying to keep my signing skills fresh I practiced all the signs I knew to the songs in the mirror. If they have a security camera in there they got a great you tube video of a fat kid hand dancing. 

I'm sore all over and picking up the phone is an exercise in torture but at least I'm able to say that I'm no longer stuck in the feeling that I can't do anything. Deciding to move on and letting stuff go was probably one of the best ideas I've had in a long long time. As I run/walk when I feel better. Maybe there is some truth to what Elle Woods said in Legally Blonde. "Endorphin's make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands" and I don't feel so hopeless maybe it helps that I put Neil Young on the back burner for awhile. 

I've started p90x as well. I do two workout days on Monday and Wen. with my long run being on Saturday.I'm not trying to be overly ambitious its more for the fact that I paid to do a half marathon, I work ten hour shifts and I've always wanted to try it. Hence the soreness. Also since school wasn't a possibility with my work schedule I needed something to fill the time! I hate being bored and Netflix doesn't have anything I want to watch except Arrow but I made a vow with the married people that I would only watch it with them so I have to wait. 

Oh!

Have I praised Epsom Salts yet? Cause if I haven't I totally mean to. Saved my life. 

I Am Blake Hear Me Roar

 This is me at 5:45 this morning after realizing that I'm no where near the running shape I was in six months ago and you know what? I was just glad that I was moving. I've been thinking a lot about the Blake-O-Lution and why I have gained and lost weight over the years. The biggest thing I could conclude this morning when I was doing dry heaves was that no one likes to be uncomfortable. We don't exercise because it makes us sweat, it chafes our legs, and let's face it laying on the couch reading a good book is a lot more entertaining. 

I took this picture to remind myself that I need to become comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. Also to show that those dumb pins on Pinterest where everybody looks all nice during a work out and they are all look at me I look great! This is the harsh reality kids. You look like crap and you want to die. 

I'm trying to be honest with myself. I hope in six months to look at this picture and go well I don't look great but at least I was willing to take a picture of it and say I did it! So if you need motivation I can only say this How comfortable are you with the idea of being uncomfortable? Do you have the courage to go hungry *not starve yourself hungry but not feasting on the sugars?*   and here's the thing I'm having the biggest issue with is saying no. Saying no to myself. No I don't need ice cream. No I don't need candy. No DOTS are not acceptable forms of dinner. and saying yes to the hard things. Yes I need to get up. Yes I need to move. Yes to the good things. Yes I love myself. That's the important thing I'm learning is that I need to stop looking in the mirror and seeing my flaws and start saying nice things about myself. I find Beyonce songs help a lot. I'm bootylicious. No wait. Better than that Fergie I'm Blake-a-licious. 

It's not pretty but as my Grandpa would say. Well it's a start. 

A Pause

I'm taking the next two days off. 

I'll be back Sunday.

I just need a day off to think for a little bit. It's been a hard emotional day for me and it's nothing I need to post about just a little dip in the emotions of Blake.  

Be back Sunday. 

So enjoy this picture of a illuminated ass. 

Something Stupid

I always wish I had something brilliant to say, some wonderful bon mot to make you go oh! Isn't he clever. Yet tonight all I can offer you is the visual image of me in the kitchen singing "Something Stupid" to my salmon dinner.  Table for one please!

Sigh. Some days are like that you know? I mean I could be absolutely darling and describe me cleaning my bathroom but really that's just reaching. 

It was one of those blah days.

The revolution starts on Monday. 

I'm ready. 

Hope you are too. 

Right now I'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket a a spot of tea and a good book. 

The world is good. 

Sometimes it's best to say a little. I'm grateful for this moment of a little bit of peace. 

Sometimes it's best.

When you don't say much at all. 

So why not something romantic? 

Here's a little video for you. 

  

I Said A Change Will Do You Good

You know what? 

I really hate it when I defeat myself. You know what I mean? Where you are afraid to do something before you actually do it because you are afraid, that you aren't enough, that you because of who you are doomed to live a life of boring mediocrity. 

I can't change the past. I would make a lot of money if I could but I can't. My goal, my resolution for this new year is to rise above this feeling of being stuck. There is nothing more than this world wants is us to believe that we aren't able to rise above the conditions that we are currently in. I hate it. I hate that I look at myself and all I see is a fat person. I hate my double chin. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate. It.

Yet I love I ice cream and watching Netflix. *I heart you Green Arrow and Talenti Gelato*   

I could say more but why not let Gilda tell you. (Start the video at 1:40) It's got dancing! Singing! 

Anyway back to me. 

This describes my contradiction perfectly. While I love to pretend to be all look I love to run! I love to exercise!  In reality I don't. Yet this last year I did all of these amazing things! I had a hard time enjoying it cause I didn't love myself. Yeah. I said it. 

I didn't love myself. 

Instead of being like you know what? I'm funny. Don't deny it. You know it's true. I offer a lot to the world. I am an absolutely terrible dancer. Yet people like to watch me dance anyway *I know. They really don't but let's pretend shall we?* So I hit rock bottom. Sometimes you have to. This is the part where I'm suppose to be all Oh! It was terrible! Awful! Yet it's been said and in reality it was too much too little too late for me to go there. 

So let's move on.  

After a terrible afternoon *I ran out of ice cream and there wasn't anything on Netflix* I was like I have had enough. I'm going to be thirty. I may single. I may be alone but damn it I'm not going to be fat! Let's face it when you get older you are more aware of your bad habits and you have to ask yourself am I okay with this?  

I was not. 

I was not okay with it. It being fat and feeling stuck in my life. 

What did I do? I did my research. I went to therapy. I went to confession. I mediated. I even read O magazine.  It was after having so many people in my head that I finally said enough. I have had enough. Then my bishop said something that floored me "You aren't stuck you know. You think you are. But you aren't. There are great things you can do but you have to work to do them you do realize that you will have to work to conquer your own worst enemy which is yourself." 

Ah. 

Great. 

I'm the enemy. Yet I realized that I let evil Blake hold me to the couch. I let him go to the store and buy ice cream. I am the one that instead of telling the truth that I was hurting lied to people and said those magical words "I'm fine" when in reality I wasn't. You can't explain depression to someone else. It's like this inversion you know there is sunlight somewhere but you can't see it and everything is cold and dark. Then if you are lucky a good storm comes and cleans you out and you work hard to avoid the next one. So right now the storm has come and clean me out somewhat. 

In a round about way I'm trying to say that I'm here. I'm here. I'm alive and I'm choosing change. I'm choosing to run. I'm choosing to try this p90x business. I'm doing Paleo. I'm trying not to be Delta Dawn (a faded rose from days gone by..sorry random reference) Let's get ourselves unstuck. 

Let's do this together. I want you to say this out loud. I'm here. I'm here and I'm changing my faults. I'm doing better today than I was doing yesterday." 

This is the Blake-O-Lution. I choose in 2014 that I will love myself more, that I will love myself enough to say no to the things that have the potential to harm me. I will love myself to say no to temptations and if I say yes I will have enough strength to forgive myself. I will have enough love for myself to lose these 70 pounds (that's right I"m 270 pounds! YAY ME!) and I will choose to say yes to life. 

Please join me. Let's have mini O-lutions everywhere. All you have to do is put your name then add o-lution after and then you find a goal for yourself. 

Viva la Blake-O-Lution!   

Recap!

Since I took a blogging vacation for a while here is 2013 in review. As you can see it wasn't the year of getting skinny but I had so much fun anyway.

Hunter came home and it was awesome.

I went to Sea Ranch and never wanted to come home.

St George in Feb. Nothing like a fat white kid to make you jealous.

I did the Big Sur 21 miler. It was my first long distance run since the marathon. Confirmed my belief that I love pancakes and half marathons. Oh! Plus hot showers!

St. George again to watch my sister do amazing in the half  Iron man!I went to get tan. I mean be supportive. Mainly though to get tan.  

Harold and Maude entered my life. Red running shoes give you extra powers. Plus if they have cool old people names you don't feel so alone when you run. 

Ogden half. So cold so wet so fun. No really. It was so cold. 

I went to St. Louis and it was awesome! Thank you Steve for the amazing surprise trip! 

I went to Maui and decided that I seriously need to marry someone who is rich and lives by the ocean.

I did the Brigham City half marathon with my awesome running buddy Katilyn. We were one of 5 that actually did the half. So fun.

I went on one of the best road trips ever to Durango Colorado with the Stahle's. I has so much fun and so pretty!! 

Bear Lake! Nothing like driving up Logan Canyon with the top down on Bertie singing at the top of my lungs.  One of those rare times in summer where it was cold enough for me to wear a jacket!

ASL was so much fun! I loved it. 

I went to San Francisco and had glorious ice cream at Bi-Rites. Road trips are awesome! YAY for being adventurous.

I broke a chair and entered fat rehab.

Park City with friends. I was so lucky Emily and Steve let me stay up there for a weekend.

Meets 

Baby Lanter coming spring 2014. Going to be a Uncle! So excited!

Christmas was awesome, my Dad is getting better and life is calm.

Oh and I bought a blender named Bernita.

Here's to 2014!