When It Don't Come Easy

Me after going into my trainer two weeks ago.

Three weeks ago, I went to my trainer and I finally gave him my secret-deep-inside-what-I-have-always-wanted-to-do-but-been- afraid-of-goal. I’ve always been afraid of saying it because I’ve always thought that I couldn’t accomplish it or that if I said it out loud some mystical audience would come out and pass out judgement on me.

I couldn’t even say it. I had to revert into the medium of writing because then I would have the words to say and the ability to edit them without the awkward hand gestures and run on sentences. 

Then I went into the appointment.

It took everything I had not to cancel. 

And trust me I wanted to cancel.

Driving out to Farr west I put on my introspective driving music. Does anyone do this? Have a play list that would be the music that you would be driving to if your life was movie or TV show? Hands?  As I was driving I realized what I was fear. Fear of judgement, fear of disappointing myself and mainly the fear that after admitting it I would set myself up for failure.

As I’ve gotten older and gotten slapped around by the world once or twice it’s made me cautious and fearful for working towards my goals. Hence the reason why the blog went silent, the fat came on, the book proposal got lost and I buried myself in so many chains of self-doubt that I was drowning in my own fear and shame.

Then after St. Louis I realized that life changes in an ordinary instant. You can sit down and the life you know it ends.

Sitting there in the waiting chairs I realized that the feelings of fear and judgement weren’t coming from anyone but myself.

(This is where this post is on a pause. Cause I hate the glossing over the middle of the story. I promise I’ll share what my goal is and where I’m at.) 

So here we are.

The start of something new.