Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The One Where Blake Lays Some Ground Rules

So I realize that this is kinda a fitness blog/baby book for Festus. However I wanted to clarify what my goals are in writing this. I have to write this down so I don’t find myself becoming a stereotype. Cause I’m a special snowflake.

The things I promise not to do:

1. Write inspirational post on generic fitness health information. Y’all have Google or better yet Pinterest. I don’t have a degree or medical training in weight loss. All I have is five years of fatness and a really nice trainer. I hate that kind of post.   You know what I’m talking about the thin girl who’s never been fat in her life telling me what to do? No thanks. Go eat a pint of ice cream, sit on the couch and be quiet. Those "5" pounds you want to lose is what keeps you visable. Lose it and when you turn sideways Poof! No more you. 

2. Lift my shirt up and take pictures of the FESTUS. It’s better for everyone involved.

3.  Grunt loudly at the gym. So awkward. One time I was lifting my little 15 pound weight and this thing ( I call him a thing cause he was like the Hulk and a Koompa. Fake tan and big muscles) starts grunting and moaning as he was lifting weights. Most. Awkward. Moment. Ever.

4. Food Prep pictures.  You don’t want to see my Tupperware. Hell I don’t even want to see my Tupper ware. FYI I’m avoiding the whole look I made week’s worth’s of chicken and rice pictures.  You will never see my food scale unless I’m tossing it out the window.

5. I’m not doing cross fit. There will be no talking about boxes, snatches, weezes, lunge ups, gross pictures of my palms or preaching the cross-fit gospel. Or somehow working it into a conversation. Last week at lunch we were having an I depth discussion on who was better Debbie Gibson or Tiffany. (Team Tiffany all the way.) granted this wasn't my usual lunch group when out of no where the crossfiter was able to sneak it into the discussion and how it related to her crossfit family. I was nice and didn't say anything but in my head I went you just wanted to talk about crossfit. Please don't hurt me crossfiters as I am fat and pudgy. I admire your love for doughnuts. 

6.  I’m dressed to workout selfie/I’m working out/ Post workout Selfie. I’ll describe them in three words. Gross, grosser, and the grossiest. (Yes I know that’s not a real word however I did use it to win scrabble one triple word score so win for me!).  Yesterday when I was dying on the treadmill the gentleman next to me pulls out his camera does a duck face and then posted it on Instagram. All I could think of is really? Now is the perfect time for a duck face? (FYI? It’s never a good time for a duck face.)

7. There will be no guilt inducing, shame based posting going on here. I made myself fat. Now I’m trying to make myself less fat. It’s simple as that. This is MY journey. I only ask that you hold me accountable to my choices. I have issues when I’m on Instagram and I see the fitspiration post on 3pm on a Tuesday with the script over the picture “no excuses”. That’s great I’m proud of you for going. Way to go fat hand clap. This is my journey and I’m inviting you along. There will be no humble bragging kind of post. They type that starts with “I wake up at five and run ten miles and then get up to make breakfast for my kids”. Look I’m just happy if I put on shoes that match each other. Plus can we stop the shaming? Please? I get so annoyed when I open up Instagram in bed and half of the Insta population is out running marathons with the #no shame# running in the rain# no excuses.  I’m guilty of this but I’m trying to stop!

8.  There will be no shake promoting. Taste nasty. Give me real food.

9. Pretend that I have my life in order.  When I post a good recipe or pretty food just know that my kitchen will probably look like the great chocolate chili disaster of 2014. Tomato sauce. EVERYWHERE. In my hair, on the ceiling, on the floor and I lost a good shirt that day. 

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