Thursday, May 28, 2015

The One where Blake Goes to a Rehearsal Dinner

It finally happened. That magical day when both my siblings have changed their tax statues and have left me as the last single child. Lucky me. Last night was the rehearsal dinner/ family meet and greet, basically the last chance for the bride to decide if she really wants to be joined in holy matrimony not only to the prince of the family but to the rest of us as well.  The dinner was beautiful, the church house was wonderfully decorated, and everyone got along great. However since I am the most awkward person you will ever meet at a party I was proud of myself for not saying “MOVE YOUR BLOOMING ARSE!” during the whole event. However here are some reject answers to those invariable questions about my life that I thought y’all would enjoy. 

On Being Single:

“I just haven’t found the right person in the tax bracket that I aspire to.”

“I really just want to focus on my art and career right now.” 

“The other personalities just don’t think it’s time to introduce a new person to the mix.” 

“The other wives are against it”. 

“My life partner Mark/Rick/Steve (points on catching the Steel Magnolia reference) wouldn’t approve”. 

“I’ve seen what happens after the age of forty. Am now seeking therapy to deal with the horror.”

On My Job:

“I was a stripper until I got too fat for it”. 

“Are you sure you want to know? I work in Mammography. You know cranky old lady boobs.”

“Why no I wasn’t aware that your son was involved in the latest pyramid scheme coming from Utah Valley. I’m so interested tell me more.” 

On Exercising:

“Why no I didn’t know rubbing essential oils will break up the fat. Tell me more about this”. 

“Eating is my sport”. 

“ My sister is the Ironman. I just eat the sympathy carbs”. 

Lastly Why no this isn’t going into my blog. 

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