When It Don't Come Easy

Me after going into my trainer two weeks ago.

Three weeks ago, I went to my trainer and I finally gave him my secret-deep-inside-what-I-have-always-wanted-to-do-but-been- afraid-of-goal. I’ve always been afraid of saying it because I’ve always thought that I couldn’t accomplish it or that if I said it out loud some mystical audience would come out and pass out judgement on me.

I couldn’t even say it. I had to revert into the medium of writing because then I would have the words to say and the ability to edit them without the awkward hand gestures and run on sentences. 

Then I went into the appointment.

It took everything I had not to cancel. 

And trust me I wanted to cancel.

Driving out to Farr west I put on my introspective driving music. Does anyone do this? Have a play list that would be the music that you would be driving to if your life was movie or TV show? Hands?  As I was driving I realized what I was fear. Fear of judgement, fear of disappointing myself and mainly the fear that after admitting it I would set myself up for failure.

As I’ve gotten older and gotten slapped around by the world once or twice it’s made me cautious and fearful for working towards my goals. Hence the reason why the blog went silent, the fat came on, the book proposal got lost and I buried myself in so many chains of self-doubt that I was drowning in my own fear and shame.

Then after St. Louis I realized that life changes in an ordinary instant. You can sit down and the life you know it ends.

Sitting there in the waiting chairs I realized that the feelings of fear and judgement weren’t coming from anyone but myself.

(This is where this post is on a pause. Cause I hate the glossing over the middle of the story. I promise I’ll share what my goal is and where I’m at.) 

So here we are.

The start of something new. 

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night

When did it become fashionable to wear socks with sandals?

Last night I was at the Smith’s Food King getting my weekly groceries and as I was wondering around the aisles* I spotted this rather young man in Jesus sandals and black socks. Given his attire (spandex** bike shorts and bike jersey) I gave him a pass. Then I spotted another youth wearing the same thing. When did this come into fashion? Also, where were the older sisters/wives/partners/dog to say yeah honey no on this?

Has it finally happened? Have I crossed into the realm of passing judgement on youths? Is this where I start referring to myself in the third person and take naps? 

(Wait don’t answer that.)

I’m not fashion forward but seriously. If Jesus didn’t 

need socks neither do you. Before you pass judgment on me I had to endure 6 weeks at the M.T.C (missionary training center) with a picture of Jesus next to the mirror with the saying “Jesus did his part did you do yours?”  It got to the point where the smell of Aqua net was so overwhelming I worried that the person who smoked their contraband cigarette would set the building on fire.    

Not to sound all Professor Higgins but why is this okay? Also, when did the man bun become acceptable for white boys?  It’s a honey oh no!

I digress. If this is your style then what can I say you do you but know I am the fat man in the Lulu’s judging you and maybe throwing the ultimate  Oh bless your heart you tried!

So, the moral of the story is Smith’s Food king. Please stop rearranging your aisles as this makes the chances of me getting heaven that much smaller.

*Seriously Harrison Smith’s enough with the re-arranging. If I wanted to play I spy I would call my niece. She’s cuter and makes it way more fun. See also Riverdale Target*  

** Am forever traumatized child as seeing my father and his friends in spandex way too much. But that’s a post for another day**

Blake est embarrassé.

I find myself stuck in the same routine.

Wake up at 4:50 am, turn on the light check my social media (Cause people gots to know) and then stumble into my kitchen take my pills, and stagger into the shower. At promptly 6:30 am I walk out the door go down the stairs and start my car and begin my drive to work.

On the way, I turn on either my latest book on tape or have my i-pod on shuffle and spend half the drive switching songs to try to find the “one song”. 

That’s why this last Thursday it started out as an ordinary routine day. Turn right on Harrison Blvd., Turn left on highway 89 turn right on the Layton exit for highway 193 and then left on University Park Blvd. Monday thru Friday 6:50 am same traffic, it’s become so routine I have started making car buddies with people I see every morning.

As I was merging on 193 I came behind a Geneva Rock truck in the right-hand land and Trim Down Power Up Tish in her Honda Odyssey in the left. I changed lanes and got behind Trim down and Power Up Tish. We got to the first light (there are four on this route) and stopped. The light turned green and Trim Down Power Up Tish goes the same. Exact. Speed. As the Rock truck. There’s no option to pass. This goes all the way to church street. Since at this point I’ve become very acquainted with the back of her Odyssey I see a phone number. Oh no. I thought. This is too easy. Since I could walk to work faster than I’m driving I yell Hey SIRI! Call XXX-XXX-XXXX and the phone rings. (I’ve got Bluetooth.)

An overt perky voice picks up.

TDPU TISH: HELLO! This is Trim Down Power Up TISH! Sqee!

Me: Hello Trim down power up Tish I’m in the car behind you could you speed up just a little bit? I’ve got quite the parade behind me and no one can pass you since you are keeping the same speed as the truck.

TDPU TISH: I’m going the speed limit.

Me: Yeah! For a turtle! Thanks! Bye!

I hang up cause A. Way too much enthusiasm for the morning and B. I know me and if I don’t end it quick it’s gonna get ugly and hello KSL news.

Trim down and power up Tish speeds up and gets in front of the rock truck. It takes everything I have to just stare forward.

So how’s your morning going?    

Space Captain

(Star)

"To everything there is a season and every blessing has its cost"- The Road. Emmylou Harris


There are really a few people I would love to meet. Yet I get the socially awkward disease where my mouth goes wild and my brain goes umm where you going there captain? Then they get mad at each other and it takes lots of group therapy to get them talking to each other again. Anyway. The number one person I would love to meet is future Blake.

Future Blake seems to have lots of energy. He’s going to get up early mediate, clean, organize, get all his bills in order. Future Blake has it all figured out. He knows exactly where we are going.

However, I’m not future Blake. I’m present Blake and present Blake is finding that he does not have the energy nor the passion to do my endless to do list. Whoever said adulthood is fun has not had the lovely pleasure of trying to figure out simple math when at the grocery store. Seriously. Percents. Am I getting a good deal? When do I move the decimal point? Then I find myself leaning over the grocery cart breathing into a paper bag because I don’t do the maths. I was in a meeting once and my boss asked me to do a math problem and I promptly got up and left the meeting to go to the “bathroom”. Again. Paper bag and terror sweats. I know my phone has a calculator. Still doesn’t mean I know how to use it.

Why all the talk about the maths? Cause I’ve been getting my diet back in order. Which I thought I was safe. No math there in dietary land! Wrong!  All the carbs, the metric, the English system and spending time adding things to a scale.

One more thing for me to have terror sweats over right? Well yes. However this year I’ve really have been working hard on focusing on the things that I’ve always wanted to do but have been afraid to express.  

Being honest kinda sucks. Again adulting. Not a fan. Cause here's the nasty truth. Its not the food that I have a problem with it's the way I use food. Food is my numb of choice. Food lights up all those little pleasure centers of my brain that gives me the good feels. One of the biggest things I've been trying to teach future Blake is that food is not the answer. Food is fuel. Food is not my friend. 

So let's try this again shall we?