Thursday, August 9, 2012

May I Have This Dance?

(For Karisa)

A Socially Awkward Adventure into A Mormon Single Adult Dance
or. What the hell Was I Thinking/High School Flash backs or Why Blake Can't Dance.

An air of perpetual horniness hung about the room. A glaring reminder in the absence of paper streamers that everyone in the gym  was a virgin. And was probably going to die as one. As I entered this Josie Grossie * (Drew Barrymore in her finest role in Never Been Kissed)  flash back I realized I was in single adult hell. I was at a single's adult weekly Friday dance. 

For all of the non Mormons in group the LDS church has created a whole special division focused on the single people from ages 18-30. With hope that we will stare at each other passionately sitting next to each other during church and covertly let our hands touch upon the hymnals  get that rather erotic feeling feel guilty and marry and have lots of babies.  Its the classic Mormon romance story. Its suppose to be what we yearn for. Hence the reason why I'm standing in this gym with this awkward feeling in my chest. The best way to describe it tight pounding in my chest, can't breathe and the most I can say is Hee. Its like being throwing back into High School with the knowledge that your life didn't change very much. Breathing deeply into my paper bag I begin to survey the room noticing all the various cliques and groupings. In the front of the DJ we have the hipster, popular pretty Mormon girls and boys (yes the majority are blonde 18 to 20 and are here for the summer from BYU or BYU I) and the returned missionaries with the partial mohawks and very tight jeans (which confuses me if they are so tight how will they make those righteous babies? Does not compute!)  or in plain high school speak they are the plastics and the jocks.

Several spaces away we have girl posse. The girl posse is a bunch of girls who dying wish is to get married they are the girls whose pinterest boards are flooded with wedding ideas and are sitting on their hope chest waiting for "Mr. Peter Priesthood". The problem with girl posse is that they clump together in one huge mass of desperation that if a girl was singled out to dance the rest of the posse would feast upon her innard like a lions on a lone gazelle. One enters at his own risk. They are however a great source for who is dating who and the stats of all the new members of the wards (they have this information stored like baseball stats.) so a visit to girl posse is worth a hello.

Moving on from girl posse is the Star Wars/Star Trek boy gang. These fellows are the functioning members of the church they do the awkward hand dancing and sway but are friendly they are what makes the church function due to their dedication they do their home teaching, they volunteer for the crappy canning shifts at the food distribution warehouse. Though they have the eternal debate going on about which is more accurate Star Wars or Stark Trek they do try. However they seem to lust after the plastic mormon girls and every time they enter the pretty mormon group they are pushed out of the dance circle with a closing of ranks. No word is ever spoken one minute they are in the circle the next they are pushed out.

On the out skirts are the mini groups of people who came to say hello be seen by the bishopric and then go get drunk at a friends house or move on to more exciting adventures. Then by the snacks lies my kindred the rather obese people whose parents drove them here and so they hurry and eat the store bought cookies and punch in quick motions in order to hide their feelings of self loathing and deep hatred for P!nk.

In the middle of these various circles rises the DJ and the bishopric who watch to make sure all of us keep that air of virginity around us. Some go as far to bring flash lights to single out those who bump and grind just a wee bit too much. A note on the DJ he is only allowed to play clean fast paced techno music, no early Madonna and nothing that mentions "Satan" (Sorry had to throw in a Dana Carvey Church Lady reference).

Karisa and I visit these various cliques saying hello since we are here to be to truly dance. Ever seen my running man? Its priceless. Karisa helps me see that though the activity comittee may try to make me feel low about myself bringing back the feeling of high school awkwardness that a dance is meant to be danced at not to be mocked viciously in my head. However there is a redeeming lesson in here somewhere in this twilight looking gym full of hormones..

More tomorrow...

1 comment:

  1. You need to have a column in the Salt Lake Trib! I seriously cannot stop laughing! We have all been there and have mixed feelings of these lovely dances! Cannot wait for more!