I can honestly say that this is not the best year of my life at this moment.( This is not a boo-hoo honey child kind of post btw.) I read once that the moment that when you can't look at yourself in the eye anymore it is time for you to change something. I hate change. I always joke that I'm two steps away from being on hoarders. I hold on to things. I hold on to objects longer than I should because someone I treasure gave it to me. I hold on to letters. I hold on to tee shirts. I hold on to memories. I hold on to people longer than I should. I hold on okay. I'm like freaking Wilson Philips. I will hold on for one more day.
Because I hold on too much to the past that I forget to look forward to the future and find myself in a giant rut of sameness. I like routine but when you wake up and your life is Groundhogs Day one must make a decision. Do you accept the sameness, the comfort of the known area or do you jump off on the boat and set course to the island of uncertainty?
Yet when I look at the moments that have changed my life for the better (AKA USU, Running races, and starting this blog) have come out of pure moments of spontaneous decisions. No time for pro and cons list no moments to sit and go is this good for me? I said yes and let the consequences follow.
I've been dealing with this issue for the last three years. Do I change my life? Is there room for another moment of spontaneous decisions? If so where and what do I do? I wish I could turn my life over to all those well meaning people who say this is what you need to do with yourself and say here's your chance here's three months for you to make all the changes perfect the flaws that you see within me. Go ahead. I'll sit right here.
Sad thing is though I'm not in a Zac Efron movie. I will not be 17 Again. Nor do I really want to be. Here's what I'm proposing to do. I had an a amazing AH-HA moment. One of those moments that makes you sit up, the hairs on your arms tingling with a little bit and you sit up and go okay! I learned from the Oprah preacher from her life class about honesty. Her cohost was Martha Beck who talked about being honest with ourselves. Apparently our bodies don't like to hold on to secrets and lies. It seems our brains get occupied on these thoughts and bury them deep with in us. So the secrets lodge themselves in us the lies sprout little fat cells and become the cancer of self doubt attacking all the positive thoughts, the happiness and soon the conversation that we have within us gets muted.
After this whoo whoo aha moment I realized that I had to focus on three areas in which would allow me to have a real conversation with myself they are 1. The Physical 2. The Spiritual 3. The Mental. I'm not going to publish what those individual goals are. but those are the areas I'm changing.
Apparently I'm having a Good Bye to Sandra Dee moment.