Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Before It Breaks

(St. Louis. Taken from the roof of St. Mary's. Photo credit goes to well they know who they are.)

Ogden Monday May 22nd. 

"I'm alright don't I always seem to be aren't I swinging from the stars don't I wear them on my sleeve..."-Brandi Carlie Before it Breaks. 

It's morning. 

I'm wearing my work armor. Badge blue checkered shirt. Grey cords. Brown Doc. Martins. 

"How are you?"
"What's going on?" 
"You look tired."

"How was St. Louis?"

"Please tell us the story." 

       I can't tell you the story. I can't share it because I'm drowning in all the details. I can't tell you because I need to protect the story. I can't open my mouth and tell you the story because when I start I don't know if I can stop. 

Sitting.Waiting in the dark halls of St. Mary's Hospital. The Arch in the rain. Wondering if I will ever get home. 

"Why are you at work? You look exhausted." 

Because I have to return to routine.In routine there is safety. In routine you don't have to answer the same questions over and over combing through the details. Wondering was it truly gnocchi you ate? Or was it the baked spaghetti? Did I have the chocolate cake or the red velvet?" What you ate for breakfast. Sabrina. You saying they needed find a way to have Aubrey Hepburn and Harrison Ford to create the best movie. Or the last minute thought I need to eat something before the ambulance came. Where my best intentions good enough? 

In routine there is safety. In routine there is peace. In routine my brain doesn't go over the last seventy two hours. If I hadn't remembered to ask. You would have been dead by now. 

Drowning in all the details. Drowning in all the what ifs. 

"How are you?" 

Great! And you? 

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