Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Winter 1

“How much can a heart and a troubled mind take?
       Where is that fine line before it all breaks?”
              -Dolly Parton 

I hate winter.

I’ve tried making peace with it. Yet as I’m writing this I can’t feel my toes, which for a fat person causes a great amount of panic because you start worrying that the diabetus has finally appeared.
Winter is my least favorite season because everything dies. All color gets sucked out and for us Utahans the inversion hits and it becomes nothing but grey.

I’ve been feeling a little disconnected and frustrated so I went out for a walk in the mountains to reconnect. I had my I-pod on shuffle as one does and Max Richter’s Recomposed Vivaldi’s Four Season Spring 0 and One came on. I relate to this album because on how it came about. From an interview with Classic FM

How did the idea for the piece come about?
When I was a young child I fell in love with Vivaldi's original, but over the years, hearing it principally in shopping centres, advertising jingles, on telephone hold systems and similar places, I stopped being able to hear it as music; it had become an irritant - much to my dismay! So I set out to try to find a new way to engage with this wonderful material, by writing through it anew - similarly to how scribes once illuminated manuscripts - and thus rediscovering it for myself. I deliberately didn't want to give it a modernist imprint but to remain in sympathy and in keeping with Vivaldi's own musical language.

How does this relate to winter? Because I’m choosing to look at it a new perspective. 2016 was the year that I started laying the ground work for change. If I had known that I would be spending so much money on self-help books in my thirties I would have joined Amazon prime years ago.

I am tired of spinning the story of how damaged I am and what I want, what I’m not getting, why certain situations are impossible, what I wish would happen, why it’s too late etc..and I usually end with I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Which why this winter as I was starting my usual story of damage this voice yelled at me from deep within me.START KNOWING.

Start knowing? Start knowing what? So I wrote it down in my journal. I gave the sentence a voice. What it said to me was: Look stop pretending you don’t know what to do. You’ve read so many self-help books, attended classes and exhausted your friends with the same boring sob story. Either you really want to change or you want to martyr to your story of I can’t but you know what to do. Start knowing! 

As Max said when he had stopped hearing the music and found it as irritation so have I become with wanting to change my life. What I wanted and what I was doing were two different things. With all the self help books I've read this last year I've noticed a trend that most people have the solution within themselves but are too afraid or have become attached to the feeling of they can't to move forward. I want to move forward.Cause I'm tired of martyring.  It's boring and people tend to give me odd looks at parties. 

So 2017's theme is to Start Knowing. This winter is going to give way to a beautiful spring. Both outside and physically. 

1 comment:

  1. I enjoyed this post and I like your thoughts to Start Knowing and moving forward with that in 2017!

    I did want to share my thoughts about Winter. When I say I hate being cold, I truly mean it! But - reading this particular blog post several years ago has helped shed a new light on it for me and I have a renewed appreciation - and since, read it at the beginning of every year.

    It’s called Ode to January and is from

    She says:
    “January is my favorite month of the year.
    It’s not simply a matter of aesthetics—though I do appreciate the beauty of bare branches, snow-covered ground, and a monochromatic winter landscape.
    The appeal, however, is more psychological than visual: after the excesses and over-stimulation of December, January is like a huge sigh of relief.
    Where December is noise, January is silence. Where December is indulgence, January is restraint. Where December is crowded and chaotic, January is empty and serene.
    Where December carries all the baggage of the previous year, January is a fresh start. It’s an opportunity to begin with a clean slate and a free spirit, a chance to eliminate unproductive endeavors and concentrate on new, more promising ones.
    January provides me with renewed inspiration to live a minimalist lifestyle. In January, I buy less, eat less, and stress less than at any other time of the year. Instead of shopping, I avoid the stores and clean out my closets. Instead of dining out, I enjoy simple, healthy food at home. Instead of keeping a busy schedule, I relax, knowing I have a whole year ahead of me to accomplish my goals.
    Where December is more, January is less. And to this minimalist, less is beautiful.”

    Hope this helps spin a different light on the remainder of your Utah winter. The inversion can be tough! Take care, DM