The biggest complaint I’ve heard since I’ve started this journey
and in my current job (I now schedule for registered dietitian’s) is this
sentence I know I should do this BUT… insert I’m so busy with work, my family
needs me, I just love eating ice cream, or the one that broke my heart I’ve
started so many times I don’t know if I could handle another failure.
What is it about the fear of failure that stops us from
progressing forward? In this day and age of social connection we do not launch
any journey without this fear that we are going to fail. Look I’m not a fan of
failure at all. It’s painful and it’s awkward. In Sunday school*(*I promise I’m
usually quite good in Church. I have my own quiet book and I share my goldfish
crackers and I don’t kick the pew in front of me.) our teacher told us that we
weren’t failures but rather they were lessons from us to learn from. Which I
raised my hand and asked but what about the “lessons” that scare us from moving
forward? The look on everyone’s face was OH. We aren’t doing that here.
Yet isn’t it time to acknowledge that failure is what propels us
forward? I have failed so many times when I get on the scale. I have failed
when I have to buy a bigger size of pants, I have failed when I eat two pints
of ice cream to deal with emotional situations instead of talking about it. One
day in a major shame spiral I called my therapist and said I can’t fail at this
whole life thing anymore I can’t fail one more time. Which there was a HMMM
pause. Then this ground breaking sentence.
“The worst thing in your life has already happened.”
Woosh went the ground beneath my ideas about failure. If I had
already experienced the worst thing in my life then in theory I had already
experienced my worst failure, my worst heart break. Which then raised the question
of why do we allow ourselves to be haunted by past mistakes? Ask anyone about
the things they are good at and you will get maybe three things. Ask someone
about the things they fail at and the list will be four pages long.
The truth is our failures is that they make us feel comfortable.
If stay fat then I don’t have to deal with the reality that it isn’t my weight
that holding me back but rather it’s myself. It keeps me in line with everyone
else. Failure and shame keeps us in line with everyone else. You failed so you
have to stay here.
While I dwell on my failures and fear of doing anything I feel
that my best self is just hanging out sitting in the corner buffing his nails
going are we going to get work yet? Which raises the question. If I am so
comfortable with failure how do I feel about success?
I’ve been so afraid of what the answer is.
All I know is that I’m open to giving myself a second chance. That
when I fail I’m going to keep going. Failure is not how I define myself
anymore.
And yes. We are doing that here.
