Thursday, July 28, 2016

It's All Coming Back To Me

Thought you were history with the slamming of the was so long ago but it's all coming back to me...NOW.....

Cause who doesn't need some Celine Dion in their life?  

5 things:

1. I love to travel. Seriously if I stay in town too long I get rude. Ask my co-workers.
2. People magazine was one of my life goals growing up. Meaning I've always wanted a subscription.
3. I need a book to read at night even if it's just an instruction manual (the numbers on a toaster are the minutes to toast not levels of crispy) to put me to sleep.
4. I have a serious stained glass star hoarder problem. 
5. I lost five pounds.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Your So Vain

I'm afraid my trainer is going to fire me. 

It's  a legitimate concern.

 My prior performance has been really spotty at best. When it came to holding up my end of the bargain I was promising him I was brand new Mercedes when in reality I was acting like a 15 year old Hyundai with muffler problems.  

Every time I would go in to see him I would give reasons why I could't follow my workouts, why I wasn't dedicating time to cook, and mainly how I just couldn't cause I had a reason not to

Reasons I found out are nothing more glorified excuses we give ourselves for not doing something we don't or are afraid of. Oh my reasons were good. No not good they were golden. I mean they were truly some of the best fiction I've ever told myself. Example " The reason why I couldn't work out today was because I had to work, I tried to eat healthy but it was double stamp day at Waffle LUV and it would have been rude to say no, I ate my feelings cause the reason why is because I felt like I deserved it.." and it goes on and on. 

Let me just be honest and say one thing that puts more of this story into context without me having to go deep and have you feel something and then call my mother and then I have to explain to her what I was trying to explain and then I'll just embarrass myself and then my therapist will finally be able to make another payment on their summer to put it plainly... 

Depression is jerk. 

However I do have to thank him for the year in which I've been working deeper into learning about myself. Mainly looking into my reasons of my bad habits and the fear of change. 

More on that later. 

I have performance review on Monday with my trainer. Wish me luck.

Monday, July 25, 2016

They Can't Take Away My Dignity

I'm so proud of myself. I celebrated pioneer day the way my ancestors intended me to by floating in a giant doughnut float in a pool. 

I would have posted a picture but who wants to see a big fat white kid floating in a pool wearing a yellow suit? Well you will just have to picture it because I don't  have a selfie stick and when I was trying to take the picture my chins got in the way so it didn't happen. 

Lately I've been feeling like Marla Hooch. Every one it seems is having miracle weight loss and I'm the one they  take a picture in a wide angle lense. So instead of feeling all down on myself I've put myself back into school of studying habits and myself. Sometimes all the pieces are there in the puzzle but the motivation, the drive isn't there. In times past this would be a self pitting ice cream confession and a pitiful vow to do better. 

Well I'm done with the vows, the excuses, and the feeling I HAVE to.  Have you noticed that whenever you say I HAVE to you don't do it? I've been saying that for the last month about cleaning my kitchen floor. Everyday and to every person I've talked to I've said oh I can't tonight I HAVE to clean my kitchen floor. Well it's been a month and my floor hasn't been cleaned. I finally had to to change my perspective and say I WANT to. Finally tonight I wanted to clean my floor and it got done. 

In a broader self example I've been working on WANTING to go to the gym. Once I'm there stuff gets done but getting there is always the biggest struggle. So I've been saying to myself I want to do this instead of I HAVE to do this. It hasn't been miraculous but I've been making it there so let's go with that shall we? 

So here's to hoping I can fix into my not so fat pants. 



Sunday, July 24, 2016

Who Lives Who Dies Who Tells Your Story?

I wonder sometimes what my ancestors thought when they rolled into this valley. Did they see this desolate landscape and just go let's just keep going? Or did they just lay back and look at the sky and mountains and go Okay I'm alive for one more day. Let's see what we can create? 

I'll never know because no one thought to write it down. So I can only guess and put my perspective on it. However isn't that what history is? Someone's perspective? 

Today in Church we had a high counsel man humble brag about his long and stoic pioneer ancestors and while he read from his great great great grandfather's journals I found myself drifting off. Perhaps it was the heat (the A/C comped out) or was it just the same story I've heard all my life? 

As we peeled ourselves off the pews and headed towards Sunday school (unfortunately taught by the same thrilling speaker)he began again talking about his family heritage when a hand shot up and the oldest ward member raised herself up and said "You focus so much on the male side of the story but what about your great grandmothers? Their daughters? Without them you wouldn't be standing here telling this story. I'm sick of hearing about the men. Tell me boy what did your great great grandmother do for you?" I have to admit my first thought went to oh snap! The look on his face was priceless. While I don't love to see people squirm in public it raised a fair question. What have your great grandmothers done to your family narrative? 
I took out my notebook and wrote "Without the example of my Grandma Dar I would not be the person I am today. Grandma taught me to use your creativity in order to enrich your life." 

What I've learned the most from my grandmothers and my great mothers is to make time for things that explore your creativity and allows you to create something that is just for you. I have at this moment in my apartment pieces of art created by my grandmother, great grandmother, and my great great grandmothers. All were great accomplished needleworkers, quilters, and cooks. One might argue that all of those skills were necessary in order to survive in reality it those pieces that have been passed on to generation to generation. My grandma Dar once told me that she would lock herself in the bathroom late at night to finish a piece of needlework because she had to see it in the physical state. Or my Great Grandma Esther learning to tat by the older girls on the play ground and taking pieces of string she found and constantly worked on it till she had it right. My great great grandmother quilting late at night during the depression using bits of flour sacks and left over pieces fabric to make quilts in order to keep her family warm during the cold Utah winters. 

Creativity may not be as braggable as the aspects of the high counsel man's great great great grandfather's journal but in reality it is the thing that gets passed on to each generation. It allows us to have original thoughts and say I'm doing this for me. I see it in my sister who works hard in being the best Ironman (woman) she can be. I see it in my Grandpa who took a risk and started a very successful jewelry store. I guess what I'm trying to say is that of all of the traits my pioneer ancestors gave me I'm grateful for the gift of not seeing things for what they are but the way things can be. 

Perhaps that's better than saying my ancestors sang as they walked and walked. 

But that just me.