These last few months haven't been easy. I know I know life isn't suppose to be easy but damn it did every month need to bring a lesson for me to learn? I feel if I make it to Jan 2015 I deserve a medal that said I made it! I survived 2014. The moment I knew this year was going to be the year of lessons is when I got a phone call on Jan. 14th letting me know that my best friend and Grandma was beginning her transition into taking her last breath. I remember running down the hall at work and feeling that overwhelming panic that I wasn't going to make it. That I wasn't going to get the time to say goodbye. As I got into car after frantically looking for my keys I sat in the car. My hands shaking I tried to start the car and I remember hearing myself say to myself all you can do in this moment is to keep breathing.
At the funeral I remember as they closed the casket I remember telling myself there is nothing more I can do in this moment and in this time other than keep breathing. When I lay there in the hospital trying to breathe all I knew was that I was breathing. I wanted to change myself but in that moment all I could do was sleep.
When Thea was born I was just grateful that she was breathing. When I held her for the first time and our breathing was in sync and I sat there holding this miracle of life I closed my eyes and was so grateful that I was able to be there lulled into a sense of calm of mutual breathes reminding me that I was alive.
As I reached in the closet this morning on day 53 of the whole 30 part two I took out a pair of jeans that I had hidden from myself for two years because I had gotten to bogged down with the sadness of life and not so smart eating choices. I of course hadn't forgotten about them. They lay in the back of my mind reminding me that at one point I could put them on with ease. At one time I could wear them with out laying on the floor with a pair of pliers trying to zip them up. With ease I used to be able to wear these pants and bend over and not fear that I would explode out of them like a fat stripper.
With a deep breath I told myself that if they didn't fit at least I was still breathing. That I was here. That no matter what that I was enough to handle the out come. As they slid on fast and I was able to zip them up. I stood there in shock and awe. In this year of painful lessons there was a moment in which I was able to put on a pair of blue jeans. There is nothing remarkable about these jeans. Simple Levi Strauss jeans. No sisterhood is attached to these, no magic hidden in the pockets.
Then it hit me.
Through fat and thin.
That through this difficult year at least I was able to keep breathing. Through each breath I have been through joyous and hard moments. Each breath allows me to live in this life. To acknowledge that I'm here. That by my breathing I am enough. I am enough to be a part of this society. That by breath I able to stand up to any bully and say I am here too.
I am enough.
Today I'm enough.