It's been three weeks and I can still remember the night when the noise came back. It came suddenly without any foreshadowing or warning. One day it didn't exist and the next there it was.
I have been ashamed to admit this but I am Post Traumatic Fan Disorder survivor. They say you can move past this that you have to find purpose in your life again. All I want is a night of quiet sleep. One where a noise doesn't haunt me. I feel as if fan lady slapped me with some noise voodoo. Whomever I have angered in life I'm sorry. Please make the noise stop.
I have a month left in my lease. If anybody knows of a quiet peaceful apartment I would be ever so grateful!
(This is my version of my 30 days of thankfulness that's clogging my news feed on Facebook.)
There are moments when you lay on your floor with music playing and you take a deep breath and you realize that in this brief moment you are the youngest and the oldest you are ever going to be in life. What has happened has happened. What will happened is yet to be determined. Where I've been in the moment. I've been on my knees with a hack saw cutting off the chains of the actions of my past. I've been stretching my arms upward to grasp up to the dreams I placed on the shelf years ago and in the current moment I am laying here and I'm thankful for this present moment.
I lay here with my hands on my chest feeling them go up and down breath going in and out of my lungs each one a subtle reminder of that I am the product of amazing planning and fore thought. I am am the answer to the wonderful combination of the spiritual and the physical bodies combined. As I lay here in the twilight the melding of the day and the night watching the shadows stretch further in this moment I'm watching life go on.
As I lay here wrestling with demons of my past I realize that there is nothing I can do to change it. Actions have been done, I have reacted, been reacted on, and I have experienced all those memories once. What was once a noisy crowd of memories crashing over me, I've had to let them crush me with the all of their weight all of their sadness, all of the representations of what might have been, and allowed myself to wallow in the pain of all their sadness.
In this moment I am here in the purple light the perfect combination of shadow and light. I realize that my body loves me and I love it. I realize in this moment this body is the place of where my soul lies. This is the place that will always be my home. I carry my heart and my home with me at all times. The physical body carries me on and in the moment now I am at rest.
With one more deep breath I exhale watching the purple twilight turn into the inky blackness of night. Slowly but surely the planets and the stars begin igniting the night. I have no idea what my future holds. I have no plan now. I have no written shopping list of inspirational quotes of "Families Together Forever" or "I didn't say it would be easy but I said it would be worth it." I know that my future only holds one word. Forgiveness. Forgiveness for the things I've done, Forgiveness for this moment, and Forgiveness for the things I will do. My future holds the combination of light and dark. The metaphor of twilight. The melding of brightness and darkness. The marriage of light and dark.
Truth be told I can only do my best and I've fallen. I've sunk so low and I've flown high and finally I have found the middle. The middle of emotion and thought where the noise of the past and the panic of the future are at the moment silenced.
In this moment I am alive and I am grateful for it. In this moment the word is gratitude. So with every breath I release these words
For November it all comes back to one word. Gratitude. Gratitude for the things I have been given, for the things taken away, and the things coming. Gratitude for the people who enter my life stay awhile and fly away. It's always so and it always will be.
When the time is right I will fly away and somebody else will come and take my place. Before I go I want to say that I am grateful.
Grateful for this wonderful past, for this glorious present and what the future holds.